Beautiful Broken

Story by Lit Gal

Illustrations by Velvet Virago
......Illustrations are hidden under cover tiles, but they are not work safe.

Xander/Spike: Slavery, Non-con, D/s, Hurt/Comfort, Reference to past torture, Bondage
......NC-17 (not kidding, stop now if you're easily squicked)

Chapter 7:

Xander silently slipped his clothes off as soon as they got in the door, neatly folding them and dropping them to the ground before Spike had taken off more than his duster, tossing it to the dresser where it hung haphazardly. Xander ignored that for now and went to his Master, who now had his t-shirt half over his head, and he dropped to his knees in front of Spike.

"Bloody hell," Spike cursed, and Xander guessed that he had startled the vampire, which he took as a compliment since it meant that Spike trusted him enough to not keep constant track of his slave using vamp senses. Kneeling down, he started working on Spike's boots, untying and loosening the laces so that he could pull them off.

"You don't have to do that, ya know," Spike said, and Xander answered even though it wasn't technically a question.

"I know, Master." He gave a gentle tug on Spike's leg, and he felt his Master's hand on his own shoulder, using him for balance as Spike lifted his foot for Xander to pull off the boot. Xander repeated the process with the other boot and then put the two shoes beside the dresser where he'd placed his own shoes. He guessed that Spike wasn't really bothered when he returned to kneel at his Master's feet and found that Spike had stopped undressing himself, waiting for Xander to return and finish.

Xander obliged by unfastening his Master's jeans and pulling them down over the long, lean, strong legs before folding the jeans and setting them aside.

"Would Master like a massage?" Xander asked in his best allure-voice. Yep, Droopy Harris might not have known a thing about seduction since most of his encounters involved a woman grunting "you" and then throwing him down, but the person he was now knew how to tilt his body to tempt. Spike was silent for so long that Xander risked looking up, and he found curious blue eyes studying him.

"Yeah, it'd be nice," Spike finally answered as he went to the bed and lay down. Xander almost ran to the bathroom where he'd seen the non-scented lotion and ran back, halting at the doorway as he caught sight of that beautiful long, lean body laid out on the bed, so trusting as to not even check what Xander had in his hands. Xander realized that for the first time serving wasn't going to be about accepting but enjoying. Enjoying the access he had to the vampire's body and thoughts; enjoying how much he got to see the real Spike and knowing that Joyce and possibly Drusilla were probably the only other people who saw Spike like this, with pieces of William shining through. Enjoying the fact that he was going to bring pleasure to Spike who had turned away from his own nature to honor a promise to a slayer.

Xander started at Spike's feet, warming the lotion in his hands before he began to work the bottoms of the feet, pressing his thumb in hard to release the tension. He carefully worshipped each foot, not because of the fear of being punished but because this was his gift to his Master. Xander then worked his way up the legs one at a time, alternating long deep strokes pressing into the muscle with lighter circular patterns traced on the skin with the heel of his hand. When Xander reached Spike's butt, he smiled at the idea of how he would have reacted a year ago, but now he gave the muscles under each cheek the attention they deserved, kneading the flesh until he could feel the muscle relax under his touch.

He worked his way up Spike's back, listening to the happy sighs in order to judge when to press harder and when to turn his touches into lighter teasing strokes. Running his hands down the back, he marveled at how he could feel each muscle as it ran from one bone to another, strong, thick cords beneath the smooth skin. He concentrated on each muscle group individually: first right shoulder and then right mid-back and then right low back before moving on to the left side. He straddled Spike, pressing his own naked legs against Spike's body as he moved on to massage Spike's hand, paying attention to each finger before working up the arm to the shoulder, and by now, Xander noticed that Spike was totally limp beneath him, moving only in response to Xander's hands as he gave little moaning breaths. Xander finished and retreated to the side of the bed where he sat rather than going to his knees.

"Would Master like to turn over so his slave can finish?" Xander asked huskily and was rewarded with another groan.

"Can't bloody move," Spike complained even as he disproved his own words by rolling and resettling in the middle of the bed. Xander saw the evidence of his Master's interest, and his own body started responding as ordered as he felt his own sexual desire slowly growing. Xander started at the feet again, rubbing each briefly before moving up the front of the legs, massaging the large thigh muscles until Spike's cock bobbed happily. He bypassed it though and continued up Spike's body, working on the shoulders and the arms and the chiseled chest. His fingers ached, but he continued until every part of Spike except his cock lay totally relaxed beneath Xander.

Xander knew of only one thing that he could offer his Master that he had never offered anyone else, so he moved back slightly, straddling the vampire's body and pressing back until he felt Spike's cock touch his crease. Then he settled, his own cock now full and heavy even as he felt Spike's touching at his tender entrance. The last time Xander hadn't really enjoyed it, but his Master had certainly enjoyed himself, and it hadn't really hurt, so Xander wanted to offer it again because he wanted Spike to know how much Xander appreciated what he had done.

Spike slowly offered a smile as his eyes drifted open.

"Seems like someone is rediscoverin' the whole concept of 'want'," Spike suggested with a salacious leer, and Xander smiled back. He did want; he wanted to make Spike happy. "Seems kind of sad that all your pretties are on your back where I can’t appreciate them up here," Spike said thoughtfully. "Except this pretty, this one is placed just right for playin' with." At this Spike started absent-mindedly stroking Xander, tickling around the head of his cock until Xander really had to concentrate to follow the rules and not come.

"Go get the box, pet," Spike ordered, and Xander wordlessly got off and went for the box of equipment Spike had purchased with the cage. He brought it to Spike's side and crawled back on. Spike dug through the box one handed, searching by touch until he came up with black cuffs connected by a black chain. "Hands out, pet." At Spike's order, Xander held out his hands and watched as Spike adjusted the cuffs to his size before snapping the two halves of the clasp together with a click. The cuffs were wide and comfortable, lined in leather, and Xander quietly tested their strength by pulling as he let his hands fall back down in front of his body. Spike laughed.

"Go on then, pull all ya want but ya aren't goin' ta break them, pet." Xander ducked his head and instantly stopped, embarrassed to have been caught, but Spike's hand just reached out to grab the six inch chain between the cuffs. "You're mine, pet, not lettin' go." Xander felt his body react to the statement, the sexual tension in his body tightening until he nearly gasped in need. Spike pulled the chain down, and he lowered himself to Spike’s chest, shifting his body down so that his head landed on Spike shoulder, his hands trapped between their bodies. He felt Spike's second hand move around to his back and begin tracing his back chains, pressing the links into Xander's skin, and Xander shivered at the touch. Luckily Spike correctly interpreted the movement because he just laughed and continued playing.

"Ought ta get ya somethin' up front, somethin' I can play with. Maybe some nipple rings." Xander really couldn't have controlled the tremor that went through his body even if his trainer had been standing beside the bed. "Would ya like that?"

"Yes, Master."

"Would ya tell me if ya didn't?" Spike asked, suddenly serious. Xander had to stop and really think about that. He knew what answer his Master wanted, but he wouldn't give an answer that wasn't true. Finally he decided.

"Yes, Master."

“Took ya long enough ta decide, but at least I know you’re takin’ the question seriously.” Spike just lay holding him so long that Xander would have thought the vampire had fallen asleep except for the hand that kept moving on his back, sometimes playing with the chains and sometimes stroking the skin below. Xander would have been uncomfortable with his own lack of involvement except with this hands chained and Spike holding the chain he really couldn’t be expected to follow his training. Suddenly a hand slapped his thigh. “Up,” Spike ordered as he released his grip on the chains and Xander quickly got off and stood by the bed.

“First time didn’t count,” Spike said as he sat up and looked through the box more purposefully now. Xander wanted to snort at that thought since he’d been there and he was fairly sure it did count. If Spike hadn’t enjoyed the experience, Xander wouldn’t be offering it again, but it wasn’t his place to contradict his Master, at least not out loud. Spike pulled out the matching hobbles and Xander stood still as Spike chained his legs. The hobbles were long enough for Spike to still use him, but Xander did have to resist a snort that the vampire seemed so fond of his chains. When Spike kept digging, Xander started worrying about how creative the vampire would get, but Spike just came up with his armbands.

The vamp patted the bed next to him, and Xander sat down with this back to Spike as his Master completely unlaced the armbands in order to get them around Xander’s arm since Xander’s hands were cuffed. When the hip chain came out next, Xander really did have to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He’d offered to let his Master shag him as Spike would say, and instead Spike was playing dress up—not that he needed to “offer” himself to Spike since he really would have put his butt up in the air at a single word, but he just now noticed that Spike had never given that word. Well, at least not after that first day.

“Up,” Spike said, and Xander stood. He’d never had so many things on him at once, and the minute he stood, the firm grip of the leather around his limbs and the teasing touches of the trailing chains, and the cool caress of the hip chains swinging around his thighs made him gasp as he tried not to come right there.

“One more, but this is just for tonight. Ya haven’t earned it for keeps yet.” Spike pulled out a decoration with three red stones going from small to large suspended in a two foot chain made of tiny black links. Spike wrapped the end around the collar and fastened it so that the smallest stone rested just below his collarbone, the middle hung roughly between his nipples and the largest dangled right around his belly button. Xander had two thoughts. One, he looked like a cheap whore from a dirty novel cover. Two: if he moved around too much with all these light chains teasing him with their feather touches and the leather wrapping around him with comforting tightness that he was going to come all over Joyce’s floor.

Spike walked over and stood at the doorway to their room. “Out,” he said, and Xander paused for just a brief moment, a small ray of panic as he considered Joyce seeing him like this. He couldn’t even claim to care about modesty any more, but he didn’t want to cause more trouble between Spike and Joyce. He went out as ordered and in the hallway, he went to his knees. Since Spike had dressed him as a proper slave, Xander went into the proper Position kneel with his back straight and his head tilted down as he felt Spike walk around him.

“Walk ta the end of the hall and back,” Spike ordered, and Xander rose to obey, focusing on his posture in order to show the decoration off. The small decorative chain along the inside of his leg slid with every movement, making his cock ache in need, and the swinging hip chains bounced against his flesh so that he wanted to just grab himself and start playing sock puppet of love right there, but he’d been given an order, so he got to the end of the hall, turned and walked back with his back straight and his chains flowing against his body.

“Ya got no idea how beautiful ya are, do ya?” Spike asked. Xander didn’t answer as he turned and lowered into a kneel again.

Spike tapped the wall, and Xander was surprised to be ordered into a punishment position, but he moved silently, feet well back from the wall and spread until the hobble chains stretched tight. He couldn’t spread his hands properly either, but he put them at shoulder level as he leaned toward the wall arching his back and pushing out his butt for whatever punishment his Master chose to give him. Xander knew that a Master didn’t need a reason for punishment, a Master had a right to punish a slave at any time, and he dropped his head in acceptance of that fact. He just hadn’t expected Spike to take advantage of that right, and he had never been punished when decorated. The confusion and the uncertainty took a toll on his cock as he started to soften, and he tried to focus on the feeling of his decorations against his hot skin in order to keep himself hard and not break a rule.

He stood there for a few seconds, his hip chains slowly stilling until they dangled under him from the angle of his lean. Then he felt something at his backside, and a wet finger trailed down his crease. When the finger worked its way up into him with very little resistance, Xander expected something larger to ender. Instead, the finger continued to work in and out in a parody of sex. Xander enjoyed the feeling of the gentle touch, even if it was in a rather personal place to get petted, and then Spike other hand went back to playing with various chains.

“Ya seem ta be getting a little soft, there,” Spike commented, and Xander tried to focus on his orders, but now the fear of punishment and disappointing his Master added to the mix and Xander found himself fighting his body. Without warning, Spike slipped to his own knees in front of Xander, and suddenly a mouth was on Xander’s cock, a tongue running round the head of his cock, tracing the edge where the head and the shaft met, a hand was playing with the small decorative chains that ran down the inside of his leg as part of his hobbles, and the finger which had gone right back inside of Xander now pressed in on a spot Xander had never known existed. If he had, he sure wouldn’t have been using a sock.

“Oh god,” Xander breathed and would have gone complete limp in fear from speaking out when in a punishment position, but Spike’s mouth kept moving and sucking and licking, and Spike’s finger kept pressing into that happy spot up inside him, and Spike’s hand pulled at his hobbles, making the leather pull against his skin, and Xander was spending entirely too much energy trying not to come. He didn’t have any left over for panic and limpness. Then all sensation stopped.

“Ya back in the mood then?” Spike asked as he stood, and Xander looked up to find himself nose to nose with his Master who stood between his arms. Xander panted. “That a yes then?” Spike asked as a single eyebrow twitched.

“Yes, Master,” Xander gasped, and Spike laughed before ducking out from between Xander’s arms.

“So, ya like the toys, pet?” Spike asked as he stood behind Xander and wrapped a finger around the front chain.

“Yes, Master.” Xander looked down at the graceful line of chain and stone that matched his back chains and wondered what his Master wanted before it would become his. Funny, he never expected to call anything “his” again, and now that he had a chance, instead of desiring a Playstation or wondering where his Babylon 5 collectibles had gone since his disappearance, he was coveting a slave’s decoration. Of course, the decoration was actually less stupid that the Babylon 5 stuff he decided as he watched the hall lights shine in the in jewels’ cut surfaces.

“Glad ya like, pet. You’re wearing about $80,000 worth of crystal there, and I figure when you put that with the $15,000 I paid for you, we both better enjoy them.” Xander stood frozen and staring at the decoration hanging from his neck. $80,000? Where the hell had *Spike* gotten $80,000?

“Of course, part of the enjoyment is the thought of Angel gettin’ that bill and chokin’ on it.” Xander couldn’t help it; he turned his head to look at his insane Master. Spike reached up and brushed hair from Xander’s face.

“That place where I found the Gem of Amara, had lots of pretties in it. I’m not stupid enough ta sell things that might have mojo on ‘em to just any demon who might want ta go openin’ the hell mouth. That’s the only reason I didn’t go back for the stuff before, so Peaches and I have a deal. He checks out the treasure and hocks it for me, and in return he gets ta keep an eye on my spendin’.” Spike paused at that. “At least he thinks he sees all my spendin’,” Spike said with a smile and a shrug. “Bought those on one of the accounts he manages figurin’ he needed some annoyin’, and as soon as we get the witches back, we can go annoy in person, pet.” Xander suddenly had an image of himself in full slave chains prancing in front of the sexless vampire and he couldn’t contain the snort.

“That’s my boy,” Spike said with a smile and a slap on a bare butt. “Go get on the bed, Present kneel, and we’ll make it count this time.” Xander moved quickly to the bed, both relieved to have escaped punishment and relieved he was going to get some relief from a cock that now stuck straight out and dripped. He’d never been so horny in his life. Xander moved into position on the bed, his head resting on is chained arms as he looked down at his trailing black chain and red gem decoration. He reminded himself not to call it a necklace because he was not a girly man. Obviously the bottom in this relationship as he waited with his butt up in the air and his back chains up around his neck since his head was down, but that didn’t make him girly. The chains were long enough for him to spread into proper position, but he noticed that he could actually relax more since he could count on the chains to prevent him from going into a painful near splits.

The finger returned, and Xander pressed back slightly, eager for the finger to find that spot from earlier. And this time, the expected second finger did come. The pressure was still there, but this time, Xander didn’t feel any pain at all as he breathed and tried not to make a mess on the bed. Spike now stroked him with two fingers as Xander felt the bed dip and cool flesh press into his backside. Xander felt gentle strokes at his butt and his thighs, a hand tugging at his hobble chain before moving on to a stomach and a back. When the roving hand reached up and pulled at a nipple, Xander gave a half aborted hump before settling again.

The third finger entered, and the roaming hand now pulled the other nipple, but Xander was prepared and he managed to control his body and give his Master access without either pulling away or pushing into the various touches. At least that’s what he did until a finger ran up the underside of his cock, and then Xander gave a full buck, and when he tried to go back to position, he felt a large, blunt pressure at his hole. For a moment he remained horribly out of position with his back arched in an effort to push himself into Spike’s touch, and then Xander slowly returned to proper posture, each slow movement causing him to press back onto Spike until he could feel his opening yield as Spike’s cock started to enter him.

The last time it had been merely bearable, but now Xander found having the head of Spike’s cock in him horrible frustrating. He knew there was a happy spot in there if only Spike would push in deeper, but Xander held position and waited. He didn’t wait patiently, but he waited.

“Keep goin’ when you’re ready,” Spike said, and Xander realized that his Master was giving him the chance to control the speed. Without a moment’s doubt, Xander pushed back in one full thrust, eager to feel Spike’s cock against his newly discovered happy spot, and considering that a finger had caused him to ache with need, Xander wasn’t surprised when Spike cock left his writhing in an effort to not come before his Master. What did surprise him was the feeling of having Spike all the way in him. Last time it had been a pressure bordering on pain and definitely uncomfortable. This time he felt only a pleasant pressure like the happy feeling from eating a really large meal and knowing that you couldn’t eat another bite. He felt a fullness that made him feel….right.

“You’re mine now, pet. Before I just did what I had to because I thought ya were Droopy, and I wanted ta get him under control before he went and ran his mouth, but now I know who ya really are and this is me claimin’ ya. Won’t ever be anyone for ya but me, pet.” Xander listened to the words and he totally believed them. When Spike started sliding in and out, Xander squirmed as Spike’s cock drove into him, pressing against that spot and driving Xander to press back ever more eager to get his Master in him. Finally, Spike growled his pleasure, and Xander tilted his head to one side, expecting the bite. In a flash, Xander felt the sting of the bite and then an incredible warmth at his neck even as Spike continued with short hard thrusts that forced Xander’s legs apart and made him grateful for the hobbles that kept him from falling. Xander gasped his own pain of delayed orgasm and then he felt Spike come in him and the vampire stiffen. Xander cried out his own release and nearly fell to the bed when Spike pulled out his fangs.

“Oh pet, you’re a keeper,” Spike whispered, and a hand at Xander’s stomach pulled him over so that he was on his side on the bed with Spike spooned up behind him.

Xander lay sated next to Spike, but as the minutes passed, his discomfort grew almost exponentially. He could feel the shifting in himself because he had never before offered himself; he had simply done as ordered. He had never before enjoyed himself; he had reacted to his own fantasies. This time, however, he hadn't thought of Buffy and that bikini or Anya and her way of wrapping her limbs around him after sex. He'd actually thought of the demon in whose bed he lay. He had watched Spike's beautiful form and writhed not because he'd been ordered but because his body demanded movement under such an assault of pleasure.

He felt Spike shift beside him, and he couldn't stay in the bed any longer even knowing what his Master wanted. He couldn't stay in the bed *because* his Master wanted him to stay. Spike had been right about him always fighting, and now Xander realized just how much he wanted to just give in. He wanted to give the last piece of himself to Spike, and he didn't know what he'd have left if he did that, so he slid off to the end of the bed and knelt. He knew that Spike was probably asleep, and he would probably be on his knees all night, but Xander just couldn't do anything else.

"Bloody hell." Xander heard the tired aggravation in Spike's voice, and he flinched. He really didn't mean to be so much trouble, but he just didn't have it in him to get back into bed. If he did, the last part of him would belong to Spike, and he just couldn’t do that. He was supposed to fight, not take the last bit of free will he possessed and hand it over to someone else, to relinquish his right to be free in exchange for his right to kneel at someone’s feet forever—not that kneeling was a right. He would have noticed that right in history class if anyone had ever brought it up, but kneeling wasn’t a right, it was a degradation, and he shouldn’t want it and he did want it and oh how good the cage looked right now. But Xander continued kneeling.

“Fine.” Spike dragged himself out of bed and gestured for Xander to stand before removing the various chains. When Spike practically threw the chains at the box, Xander flinched again and then followed Spike over to the cage still on the floor from that morning. Spike rapped the thing a good deal harder than necessary, causing a resounding metal noise as he said, “In.” Xander moved into position, not even able to make eye contact with Spike. God, he really was pathetic; no wonder he frustrated Spike, and Xander sent a quick prayer of thanks to Drusilla. After all, the crazy vampire had given Spike the patience to deal with the crazy human.

Xander slid into position, wincing a little when he began impaling himself on the back rod just because the cold metal ruined the feeling that Spike had left with his own stroking thrusts. The ankle bracket locked his legs into place, the rod stilling any motion in his back half and Xander realized that a little part of him really didn’t want to sleep this way: cramped up, unable to move when the inevitable itches nagged him, his arms bent up behind his back. At that point the wrist strap snaked in between the bars and looped around his arms, pulling them up against the top bars more tightly than Spike normally tied them.

Xander opened his mouth to….what? Maybe protest the tightness of the wrist straps, maybe say he’d changed his mind, maybe to just sit open mouthed as he tried to form words that weren’t part of his vocabulary any more. It didn’t matter because as soon as he opened, Spike slid the front piece in, the front rod sliding down his throat and silencing him before he could react. He made a small wheezing noise by breathing out though his noise, but with his mouth stuffed full of plastic, he really couldn’t do anything else. Obviously it wasn’t enough to get Spike’s attention because the vampire wandered out of the bedroom still muttering. Xander watched Spike leave with wide eyes, really not wanting to be left alone and so helpless, but he didn’t have the power to protest as Spike turned off the hall light throwing Xander into darkness. He listened as the bathroom door opened and then after a couple of minutes closed, hoping Spike would come back, but he only heard footsteps disappearing down the hall steps.

Chapter 8:

Xander woke to the sight of Spike puttering around the room. At one point he would have expected himself to wake the minute Spike came in, but he hadn’t slept most of the night. He’d stayed up trying to see if Spike would come back, but the curtains had lightened with diffused sunlight as the morning came. He had waited until his eyes had been heavy with tears and sleep and he had finally fallen asleep when the windows on one side of the room had faded while the windows on the other side had brightened with the late afternoon sun. Now, Xander felt the weariness in his body and for the first time realized that fatigue had been his normal state for so long that he hadn’t even realized how much better he’d felt since Spike bought him. Well, until right now, anyway.

He understood why Spike had stormed out; the vampire thought the cage meant safety, and he could just imagine how angry Spike must be. However, Spike didn’t seem angry; he just puttered around the room reading from a paper and digging in the closet and generally not even reacting to last night’s joyful coupling or last night’s horrible end. By the time Spike noticed him, Xander had almost convinced himself that Spike was punishing him for asking to be put in cage by leaving him in the cage.

"There ya are, pet; thought ya might be sick you're sleepin' so long, but I guess I just wore ya out," Spike commented as he came over to the cage. Spike unlatched the front before taking off the restraints so that Xander could wiggle out, and Xander didn't think he'd ever been so happy to get out of his cage.

He knelt at Spike's feet and tried to stretch sore muscles without being obvious about it. But why should he care? Spike wouldn’t punish him…probably. Would Spike even care if he did stretch? Xander started a more extensive stretch and then aborted it before he could do more than twitch. His head suspected that he could get away with it, but his body—including his stomach—tightened and threatened all out revolt if he even tried. There was just too much fear involved with breaking the training, no matter how much a part of him wanted to. Okay, on to the next problem: how to talk to Spike. Whether or not Spike showed it, Xander knew that he didn’t take rejection well, and he didn’t want to repay Spike’s patience by hurting him. Xander opened his mouth but couldn’t come up with any way to start a conversation. He remembered that at one point words had come easy, too easy. He’d babbled like an idiot…an idiot in heat…in idiot in heat and on speed. Okay, so he’d established that Droopy Harris had a limited success with words, but at least he knew how to start a conversation without kneeling open-mouthed with no words coming out.

“Plannin’ on sayin’ somethin’ or are ya practicin’ ta be a fish come Halloween?” Spike’s words shocked him back to the present. Okay, that was a question, so now he could respond. Xander struggled to form words short enough to not trigger the queasy feeling he got when he talked too much but that would actually say something important.

“I’m sorry, Master.” Xander settled on, kneeling unhappily even as Spike’s hand found his head and tugged a curl in a familiar gesture before ruffling his hair.

“Nothin’ for ya to be sorry about. I wish I’d kept my temper, but seein’ ya in that cage makes me think of how much I want to kill that wanker, Leshar. But ya gave me somethin’ wonderful last night, and I appreciate that.” Spike walked over to the bed and crooked a beckoning finger toward Xander. Rather than stand, Xander knee walked the short distance and went to the Down kneel still facing Spike. Poor enough form to horrify his trainer, but still formal enough to keep him from having an all-out panic attack.

“It isn’t…I didn’t…” Words failed Xander and he was left trying to explain what he himself couldn’t really answer. Spike’s hand left his head, and then Xander felt a hand under his chin lifting his head so that he would make eye contact with those bright, curious eyes of his Master.

“Pet, why *did* you ask for the cage last night? Were you afraid?” Xander struggled with that answer. If he said yes, Spike would make some assumptions that weren’t true. If he said no, he was lying.

“I’m not afraid of you, Master.”

“But you’re afraid of somethin’,” Spike confirmed for him. “Leshar?”

“No, Master,” Xander immediately answered. “You’d break every bone in his body.” Xander wasn’t exaggerating either; he saw Spike’s fury reflected in his face every time the vampire even mentioned Leshar.

“Soddin’ right,” Spike laughed unpleasantly and fell silent as though enjoying some thought. He finally stretched his head first one way and then the other before continuing. “Somethin’ else then. What?” Spike’s question left Xander questioning himself and trying to sort out the training from the Xander thoughts.

“Myself,” Xander almost whispered. Because Spike was hold his chin up, he got to see the shock on the vampire’s face.

“All right, I’ll admit that ya have me on that one, pet. Why are you afraid of yourself?” Xander opened his mouth to explain, but he found himself so utterly without words or explanation that he felt on the edge of tears. God, what was wrong with him, he wondered. He’d never been the type to cry even when the worst happened, so why did he suddenly feel so totally overwhelmed? He felt a hand at his arm, and he followed his Master’s hand guiding him to lean against the bed in front of him and his Master’s leg beside him. Spike pulled him closer, and Xander dared to risk sliding his right arm over Spike’s lap so that he leaned his whole right side against Spike’s legs and found some part of himself wishing that Spike wasn’t wearing jeans and another part of himself doing the whole self-flagellation thing for even thinking that. Ignoring the competing voices, Xander knelt up slightly so that he could put his head down on Spike’s lap as well as drape his right arm over it.

“Why are you afraid of yourself, pet?” Spike asked again, and now one of Xander’s little voices quailed in fear at the realization that he hadn’t answered Spike’s question.

“I can’t keep fighting.” Xander whispered the answer as he looked at Spike’s belly button. He didn’t know why it was so fascinating, but he just couldn’t stop staring at the small pucker.

“What are you fighting, pet?”

“Myself.” He heard a sigh from above.

“What are ya fightin’ about in there?” Spike gave a gentle rap on Xander’s head.

“Giving up.”

“You’re makin’ more sense than Dru, but it’s gettin’ ta be a close call. Just tell me that one of the gits fighting up here,” a quick tug on a lock of hair, “isn’t listenin’ ta the stars.” Xander laughed.

“No, no stars talking to me yet,” he promised.

“So, one side of ya wants ta give up. What does that side want, pet?” Xander thought about his answer for so long that he was sure Spike must have gotten frustrated, but the vampire just sat on the bed and stroked his hair.

“That side just wants to not fight because I’m so tired. I just want to give up and let someone else take over without spending all my energy fighting them inside.” Spike simply nodded knowingly, and Xander wondered how much his broken pieces resembled William’s broken pieces.

“And the other side, what’s it want?”

“It’s afraid that if I stop fighting inside, I won’t have anything at all left. I can’t give up fighting without just plain giving up.”

Spike went still. "Ya don't have ta give anythin' up," Spike said, but Xander knew the truth. His Droopy Harris voice counseled a whole round of babbling about founding fathers and freedom and the constitution and the lack of a right to give up. Another part wanted to just agree with Master, but Xander sorted through all those thoughts to explain himself. After several minutes of silence, he spoke.

"I don't know how to stop fighting, and I'm afraid that if I don't fight, I'll lose the last of me." Xander had to take a deep breath because he had gotten out of the habit of talking and breathing at the same time. It was definitely more than Xander had said all at once in a long time, and Xander realized that he had turned into Oz, which wasn't that bad considering that Oz was kind of cool.

"Ya think I'd take that away from ya?" Spike asked but his voice was curious rather than accusatory. Would Spike take it? He thought he knew the vampire well enough to say no, but he was truly afraid he would give himself away, and he didn't even know how to explain that.

"I've wanted to give up for so long," he settled on.

"And now ya don't know how to stop fightin' without dyin’ inside," Spike summarized, and Xander was amazed that the vampire could explain Xander's mind better than Xander.

"Yes, Master."

"Just because ya stop fightin' the need ta be loved and the need ta be touched doesn't mean that ya give up the right ta fight forever. Ya can't push everyone out forever without turnin' into one mean bastard," Spike commented. Silence ruled the room again, and Xander thought about those words.

"If I found the witches and then decided ta go out and celebrate by killin' a convent full of nuns, one of Angelus' favorite pastimes, would ya go along with me?" Xander looked at Spike sharply, wondering if his Master was somehow testing him, checking his loyalty. Xander gave a truthful answer.

"I don't know, Master."

"Oi, that's the trainin' talkin' now. You'd grab a piece of wood and shove it up my arse," Spike said with a laugh. Xander thought about that and realized that while he probably wouldn't kill Spike, a stake in the ass wasn't out of the question.

"Probably, Master," he responded with a shrug.

"So, if ya stop fightin' yourself and let yourself fall asleep in my arms, will ya care less about those soddin' nuns?" Care less? No, Xander knew that he would hate the blood and death just as much. Do less? Maybe. If he let himself fall in love, and oh my god he had not just thought the "l" word about Spike. Xander sent up a thankful prayer that he had learned to do his babbling in his head. But back to the subject, if he fell in "like" with Spike, he feared he would do less.

"No, Master, but I might not do the right thing anymore."

"Not possible, pet. You were born doin' the right thing, and all the crap that's been loaded on ya since hasn't changed that. If ya learn ta let go of the pain and take some happiness out of life, you're still going ta be the White Knight. 'Course, knowing that means I have ta cut down on the nuns in my diet." Xander snorted. He'd read the Watchers' diaries enough to know that Angelus went for nuns and Spike went for strong usually violent men that would give him a good fight before going down. It was probably the reason why Spike at 120 years had scored two slayers and Angelus at twice that number of years had scored a big zero.

"Tell ya what," Spike said when the silence continued. "Let's take this one step at a time. You tell me somethin' that you've got locked up in there...something that you're fightin' ta keep in because it hurt or because ya want the pain for yourself and then I'll tell you something. That way you can learn to give up a little bit at a time and maybe see that ya won’t be a different person for lettin’ some of the pain out and takin’ some comfort." Xander considered that even as Spike’s hand kept petting him.

He thought about giving Spike something that he could give up easily like the time the client had ripped his guts open much like the way Buffy had died. His trainer had banned the demon and then held back the bleeding with is own magic until the Pockla healer could come to do the major healing. He thought about explaining how the trainer had forced him into the cage that first day when he'd kept telling himself to hold on until Buffy came. In the end, though he had to trust someone to help him out of this pain he couldn’t escape, and Spike seemed to be the only candidate running. Well, Joyce would certainly want to help, but he knew Spike was right about her just damaging him more, and he really didn’t want to think about Giles after all the weird vibage. So, he took a deep breath and decided to share the pain that he truly had kept for himself.

"She was blonde," Xander said. His words made no sense, and even he knew it as he struggled to get his thoughts together, but Spike remained silent, a hand gently petting Xander like usual. "I had fought until my trainer put these leather strings on me." Xander stopped, not even sure how to explain that part.

"Wet?" Spike asked, and Xander nodded, relieved to not have to explain the process. "They did that back during the Opium Wars in China," Spike said all matter-of-fact, and somehow that made it better. "How many?" Spike asked when the silence continued far beyond a normal pause.

"Hundreds," Xander shrugged. That wasn't the hard part; that wasn't the part he was trying to gather his thoughts to even be able to explain. "I was kneeling with them on and trying to ignore the pain because he just kept adding more when I disobeyed. Then the minions brought in a girl." Xander closed his eyes and imagined her face: round cheeks, bright blue eyes, pale lashes and brows that disappeared into her fair skin.

"They freed her legs and she tried running. I didn't even know I'd stood up." Xander struggled to get air into his lungs. "She saw me and ran toward me, cowering behind me." Xander remembered as the trainer stepped up and Xander had moved to block, sidestepping into the trainer's path. "I tried to help," Xander whispered and now he could feel himself start to shake, but Spike only leaned over him, pressing him down into the vampire’s legs even while laying on his back, and Xander gripped Spike’s legs like a drowning man.

"The trainer dragged her out from behind me by her hair. Said he wouldn't have my training ruined because I had developed an attachment to another animal." Xander didn't even have words for the next part, but he continued because now that he had started this, he couldn't keep the memory inside any more. "The trainer ripped her stomach open and dropped her body. He ordered me to kneel in her blood as she still sobbed and twitched." Xander didn't want to admit the next part, but he did. "I obeyed,” he moaned.

"So ya think if ya don't fight every step of the way you'll do it again?" Spike asked.

"I know I'd do it again," Xander said miserably. He couldn't see himself as strong knowing what he'd done and remembering the feel of her warm blood as he’d gone from one position to another in that red lake.

"Ya didn't give up, ya just did what ya had to. If ya hadn't, more would've died and ya know it." Spike reassured him, and Xander felt the small sobs shake his body even though he didn't make a sound.

"Not the worst," Xander said as he buried his head even farther into Spike's leg. "When he put me in the cage that night, he cut off the leather and called the Pockla to fix me, and then he stood by my cage petting me, telling me how perfect I was." Xander took the last knife in his heart and took a deep breath before sharing it with Spike. "I was grateful I was in the cage because I didn't have to push him off and I could just enjoy being petted like the animal he called me." Xander felt the guilt rip through him as he admitted his sins, and he had to appreciate the irony of a soulless demon hugging him as he hid himself in the demon’s lap.

"So ya figure that enjoyin' attention was wrong then so it has ta be wrong all the time," Spike said, and Xander realized that he had felt exactly like that. Every stroke in his hair had reminded him of being in the cage and being soothed by the monster who had killed the girl. “You tried ta help that girl, and there isn’t one human in a thousand that would do that. I saw Angelus take the wet leather ta humans, and most would have killed their own mothers ta get it off, and there you are fightin’ ta help someone. Bloody hell, that’s not a story ta be ashamed of, pet.” Xander listened to the words, but they didn’t sink into his soul, the just fluttered on the surface unable to reach the pain.

"So, do ya think I’m like that, do ya think my touches are dirty and make ya into an animal?" Spike asked as he sat up and the sudden lack of that embrace felt like an incredible loss.

"No, Master," he insisted vehemently.

"Then feeling safe and happy with me isn't like that." Spike pointed out.

"I know, Master," Xander replied unhappily, not sure how to get over a certainty that existed not in his head but in his heart.

"Well, we'll work on that then. Ya gave up some of the pain, and time will come that ya let some comfort take its place. But fair's fair. You told me yours and now I'll tell ya mine." Spike took a deep breath, and Xander was surprised to hear the tremor in even the vampire's breath.

"Buffy didn't die the way I always told Joyce. Couldn't face the slayer's mother knowin' what I did, so I told her how the demon killed her." Xander froze, unwilling to even think about what that statement implied. He'd expected to hear something since Spike had given his word but not this. He didn’t think he was ready to hear this, yet he couldn’t move as he waited for the worst.

"The Dursler, he wasn't kind enough ta rip out her stomach. He got her pinned and he slipped in a claw and started pullin' her insides out through this little hole in her stomach. She screamed like I've never heard a human scream before, and I've got my own history of torturin' humans." Spike took another deep breath, and Xander waited for the explanation, hoping that he wouldn't have to hate Spike when the vampire was done.

"By the time I'd killed the demon chewin' on my leg, she had her intestines hangin' ta the floor and the Durslar was watchin' her writhe. Ripped his effin' head off." Xander stole a quick look, and Spike had gone into game face with a look of pure hatred twisting his features. "Didn't help her none, and we both knew the score. If she'd gone to hospital, they could've cleaned her up and sewed her back together, but the Inititive loved tyin' her down and watchin' her slayer powers heal her--used ta record how long it for her bruises ta fade and her bones ta knit."

Xander tried hard not to be ill. He had suffered, but throughout he had known that he was in the hands of demons who saw him not as a thinking creature but as an animal. But Buffy had been in the hands of humans, and they had done to her the same sorts of inhuman things. He carefully kept his body still as he waited to hear how Buffy had died strapped to some gurney while scientists measured the length of intestines pulled out against the length of time she lived.

"She knew she was done for and she told me that she and I had ta protect the others.” Spike voice took on a tone that existed somewhere between frustration and respect. “Locked in a white room with her soddin’ blood slowly seeping out around her intestines, and all she thought about was saving the witches and that git Giles. She told me that we were the fighters; it was our job." Spike paused, obviously not wanting to tell the rest of the story. "She said we had ta keep up our strength." Xander suddenly understood where the story was going.

"Told me I had ta get my strength back because I was going to have ta be the one ta get the others out. Told me I needed her strength." Xander could picture the scene with Buffy wracked with pain, but the guilt of dying still outweighing that pain as she begged Spike to take the only thing she still had to offer. He could imagine her fear that Spike might not follow through on his promise, her fear that it was too late for the others, the fear that Spike wouldn't survive even with her sacrifice. Xander had time to consider all the possibilities because Spike had gone silent. The vampire slowly slipped back into human features before continuing with a calmer tone of voice.

"Made me promise, made me promise ta get the others out if there was any way to do it. Told me she didn't care if I killed every soldier in the soddin' place if I would just get the others ta safety, and I promised her. I promised her and then I sank my teeth into her neck and took my third slayer. Her blood was so strong and I was so hungry that I got bloody drunk off her, but I kept right on draining her as I felt her heart stop." Spike was silent, and Xander had no words of comfort. He knew the pain of causing another's death, but he didn't know what it was like to kill someone he respected. He knew how Spike liked to touch, and how Buffy needed touch even when she wouldn't admit it. He imagined the two of them on the one bunk quietly touching knees or giving a congratulatory slap on the back after killing a demon.

He felt his own pain vanish under Buffy’s pain and under Spike’s pain and the next time someone tried to tell him Spike was evil, he was going to beat the crap out of them because something evil could never suffer as much as Spike was obviously suffering right now. As a demon he should have bragged to everyone he met about taking a third slayer, and instead he sat in Buffy’s mother’s house and admitted it with shame in his face.

"After she was gone, I made another promise; I promised ta kill every one of those soldier boys and scientists I could find. I remember every one of their scents, and I've tried to track down the ones who got out." A thought rose to Xander's mind.

"Riley?" he asked.

"Begged him, I did.” Flash of game face. “The first time she was hurt bad enough ta take her out and play Frankenstein, I begged him ta go to Angel. Knew my wanker of a sire wouldn't come for me, but he'd have ripped the Initiative apart for the slayer. Riley just walked away. The worst part though is that he wanted ta make the call; he smelled of fear and sour hatred every time he came near and saw some new bruise on her, but he never did anythin' about it." Xander remembered the look on Riley's face when he had turned to dust, and Xander's only regret was that he hadn't had the time or the strength kill Riley the way he'd deserved to die.

Xander looked into Spike's now human features, and he could see the guilt, an expression he hadn't ever seen on Spike before and he suspected that he was looking into the eyes of one of those William fragments.

"Don't tell Joyce," Xander whispered, the audacity of telling his Master what to do vied with the knowledge that Spike needed some reassurance. "Buffy wouldn't want her to know." Xander felt Spike’s muscles slowly loosen as he half lay in the vampire’s lap and he suddenly realized that Spike needed the contact as much as he did, as much as Buffy had once needed it.

"Thought of just runnin' when the Initiative went down, but I'd made her a promise, and chip or no, I'll soddin well put the Scoobies back together if it's the last thing I do."

"*We'll* do it, Master," and Xander suddenly realized that the idea of submitting to Spike didn't scare him nearly as much. In her own way, Buffy had submitted, giving her strength to Spike when she wasn't strong enough to fight on her own any more. She presented the pieces of herself that were left to Spike and trusted him to do the right thing. Like Buffy, he knew he was broken and couldn't go on fighting by himself, and like Buffy, he suddenly knew that if he gave what was left of himself to Spike, he could trust Spike to do the right thing. Of course, if Spike took up nun-eating he would still stake his Master in the ass, but he could worry about that later.

"Yeah we will, pet. We'll get the witches back and then I'll go find Leshar and take out my aggression on him." Xander smiled at the mental picture of Spike using some of his more enthusiastic tortures on Leshar. He doubted that Leshar would hold up as well as he himself had for those six months. Of course, he doubted Leshar would have six months to find out considering Spike's notorious lack of patience. “ ‘Course we won’t convince anyone with those marks of yours, so drink up, pet.” Spike cut the pad of his thumb with a tooth and held out the bleeding digit. If Xander had a choice, he would have rejected the offering, but he reminded himself that he had agreed in this own mind to trust Spike and submit, so he reached out and brought the bleeding thumb to his mouth as he grimaced. The first taste changed all that. Yes, Xander could taste blood with its heavy metal flavor, but the blood was also spicy and zingy—not in taste as much as in feeling, like pop rocks, and Xander suddenly remembered he loved pop rocks.

"Oi, enough blood and enough sap. Get in the bathroom and do your human stuff," Spike gruffly ordered with a slap to Xander's back, and Xander quickly rose and trotted off toward the bathroom already missing the taste. At the door he stopped and looked back; Spike noticed him after just a moment.

"Pet?" Spike asked.

"Can we?" Xander stopped, not sure if he was ready, but unwilling to wait any longer.

"Can we what?" Spike asked with a tilt to his head.

"Can we get rid of it?" Xander asked with a small glance toward the sleeping cage.

"Bloody hell yes. Steamroller, car crusher or sledgehammer, don't matter ta me, but we bloody well will get rid of it," Spike agreed enthusiastically. “And if ya find yourself scared of givin’ up, we can find somethin’ that makes me less nauseous.” Xander had to wonder that a vampire known for torture by railroad stake could be bothered by a cage, but he shrugged and went off to get ready for the day.

Xander returned to the room a half hour later clean and well watered as he sank to his knees in front of his Master. He could feel something shift inside as he waited not with the slave’s indifferent patience but with curiosity. Clothes might mean fighting, and slave chains were quickly, in his mind, becoming associated with sex, but Spike had laid on the bed jeans, a t-shirt and both the red decorative chains.

“Go on then,” Spike said as he gestured toward the jeans, and Xander quickly dressed. Before he could kneel, he felt Spike’s hands at his collar behind him.

“What are they for, pet?” Spike asked.

“Doing what you want me to do and not what the training tells me to do,” Xander replied solemnly.

“And for bein’ strong enough ta fight the trainin’ and do what I want ya ta do,” Spike pointed out and suddenly the chains swung free against his back. “Now are ya sure about the cage?” Spike asked, and Xander had to swallow before he could even nod. God, he was scared of losing that, and how stupid did that make him feel?

“Then this,” Spike held up the long single chain with the three red crystals, “is for letting go of that pain.” Spike fastened it to the front of his collar before tossing him a shirt and walking out without another word. Xander finished dressing and followed Spike down the stairs and settled himself at Spike’s feet for breakfast.

A couple of hours later, Spike brought them back from training at the park. This time, Spike had kept the training to practicing forms, Xander suspected so that the bruises could heal. Xander really had never expected to get such a good master, and considering how he had treated the vampire when he had the power, he was starting to think that he hadn’t always been as good as he liked to consider himself.

They walked in the door and found Joyce waiting in the living room.

“You’re up late, luv,” Spike said.

“Couldn’t sleep. Are you going out to the clubs?” Joyce asked with a weary sigh.

“No, tomorrow. I didn’t realize he’d be so marked up from the trainin’, and I’m trying ta get the slavers ta see me as one of their type, so we’ll wait a day.”

“Slavers don’t beat the slaves?” Joyce asked, clearly confused, but now that Xander thought about it, he’d never been bruised when he was sent to work; bruises were for the training room.

“Oh, they beat ‘em, but they like to show them off as pretty decorations, and marks don’t do that, so a good slaver will brag about breaking a slave without ever leaving a mark on the outside. Of course, most do beat the slaves in private, but they wouldn’t take them out like that.”

“This whole business makes me ill.”

“Me too, luv, and considering I *am* an evil demon, that’s goin’ a ways.”

“So, Trivial Pursuit?” Joyce asked as though the sudden change in topic from human slavery to game board made sense.

“If ya make hot chocolate with the little marshmallows,” Spike wheedled as he went to the couch and sort of sprawled over it. Xander went to his knees.

“I’ll get the hot chocolate, and you can do the popcorn,” Joyce agreed.

“Oi, what’s the use of havin’ a slave if ya have ta make your own popcorn? Xan can manage the popcorn duty and I’ll sit here appreciatin’ bein’ waited on like a Master vampire should be.” Spike and Joyce exchanged some look Xander didn’t understand, and then Spike gave him a slap on the shoulder. “Go on then.”

Xander stood and followed Joyce into the kitchen where she pulled the milk out of the fridge before pointing to a cupboard.

“It’s in there,” she offered as she pulled down three cups before pouring the milk into a pan.

“You know,” she said even as she kept her eyes on the pan. Xander knew because he kept taking quick looks to see whether she would look at him disgusted by his willingness to obey. “Spike sent you in here so we could talk.” Xander *did* know that, but he wasn’t sure about Joyce’s reasons for pointing it out.

“Is being with Spike the right thing for you?” Joyce asked even as she turned around and pinned him with a demanding glare. Suddenly Xander remembered Buffy’s warnings about her mother’s ability to stare anyone into submission. Not that getting him to submit was any great feat these days.

“Yes, it is,” he answered simply, and she seemed to take that answer because she turned back around and returned to stirring the milk as Xander put the popcorn in the microwave. He reached over and snagged the butter knowing how Spike liked to add extra butter on the top even when it was the ultra-greasy movie style popcorn.

“Good,” Joyce finally answered. “Because he was getting so close to giving up that I was afraid I was going to lose him to the sun. When he first came, I checked his room every morning to make sure he was still flesh and bone because he’s the only one who took Buffy’s death as hard as I did, and we’ve gotten used to leaning on each other. Finding you has given him hope I haven’t seen for a long time.” Xander tried to process that information, but it didn’t make sense.

“Xander, do you know when all this happened?” Joyce turned and asked.

“No.”

“About three weeks after you disappeared. They were in that place for two months, and in the three months since that place went down, Spike hasn’t been able to make any headway. He only got into that auction this week because he killed a demon with an invite. He doesn’t have a lot of patience, and until you came, he was quickly losing hope.” Joyce poured chocolate into the pan and Xander pulled the popcorn out of the microwave and dumped it into a bowl before shoving the butter in to melt.

“Know that he needs you, and not just as a way to convince the slavers to let him in their club,” Joyce said as she poured into the mugs and headed out of the kitchen. Xander quickly followed, but in the living room, Joyce ignored him as though she hadn’t just turned his reality inside out. He looked at his Master who leaned back in a posture of insolence and indifference.

Putting the popcorn down, Xander went to his knees at Spike's feet and waited for the vampire to reach for him and three...two... Spike jumped the gun by threading his fingers into his hair and pulling his slave into a lean before Xander had mentally reached "one." Xander settled down with his butt on the floor, trying to get used to the feel of sitting down even as he leaned against Spike's leg and watched Joyce set out the trivial pursuit board. Okay, how weird was this, he wondered as he put an arm around Spike’s leg and rested his head on Spike’s thigh. If life would stay like this, he could handle slavery no problem, he thought as he realized he wasn’t in conflict within himself.

They laid the pieces out efficiently as though this were a common activity.

“So, what did Noxa say?” Spike asked.

“Hard to tell with his accent. Without you to translate, I catch about one in every three words.”

“Oi, he must’ve said something worth repeating.”

“Something about human bodies breaking ridiculously easy.”

“Ya couldn’t understand anythin’ else?” Spike said incredulously.

“Frighteningly enough, I understand him better than most human doctors I’ve had. He says the tumor’s gone and I can go back to work in a week if there’s no more pain.” Xander sat up at that comment.

“It’s all right, pet,” Spike assured him, and Xander let himself sink back into Spike’s thigh even though he looked at Joyce with wide eyes.

“I was having headaches, and Spike said I smelled wrong—which is actually very disturbing—but anyway, my doctors insisted nothing was wrong and gave me some pain medicine for headaches.”

“Wankers,” Spike interjected at this point, and Xander wondered whether the wankers in question were still alive.

“Anyway, Spike took me to a place just outside L.A., a place run by a demon.”

“Best around,” Spike added.

“What he’s not telling you,” Joyce said with an amused and fond expression toward Spike, “is that Noxa is essentially a veterinarian specializing in human pets. He won’t tell me that directly, but trust me, they totally see me as Spike’s pet as opposed to the woman who makes him wash dishes if he leaves blood drying in the mugs.”

“That’s what a soddin’ dishwasher’s for.”

“If you can find a dishwasher capable of handling dry blood, I’ll stop complaining. Until then, you’re the dishwasher when it comes to bloody mugs.”

“Oi, just roll the dice,” Spike growled, and Xander smiled that Joyce had so obviously won the argument, and he also smiled at the image of a master vampire ordered to do dishes by a slayer’s mother. Xander had nearly fallen asleep to the sound of their voices reading questions and complaining about the game, the answers, the way the questions were phrased. Okay, actually Spike was doing most of the complaining, but Joyce certainly held her own as Xander napped on Spike’s thigh, and life was good.

“Should have a demon category!” Spike objected when he missed another Sports & Leisure question.

“Just because you’re getting soundly trounced by a human less than half your age…” Joyce let the sentence dangle.

“Yeah, but you couldn’t tell me the cost of a Suvolte egg or how to defeat the Tor or how to recognize a Polgara.”

“Oh, please, no one can answer those.” Joyce pointed out.

“Willin’ ta bet my pet here can. Do you know a Polgara when ya see one, pet?” Spike asked, and Xander answered from that lazy half-asleep place he’d entered.

“Tough skin, horrible penises that taste like mold.” Xander responded absent-mindedly. Then he realized that Joyce was looking at him in shock and horror, and oh god, he was blaming that temporary loss of vocal control on Droopy Harris bits because he certainly knew better. God, he wasn’t ever going to be safe for decent company, was he? He looked up to see Spike gazing at him with an expression of amusement and concern.

“Sorry, Master,” Xander muttered.

“Ya do know how ta kill the mood, don’t ya?” Spike asked roughly, but the hand ruffling his hair belied the gruffness of the tone.

“Oh, god. I can’t do this. I can’t sit here and do nothing knowing how much he’s suffered.” Joyce dropped the dice on the board and ignored the numbers.

“Ya aren’t doin’ nothin’, luv. I’ll take care of Xander and he’s getting’ better, but he’s always goin’ ta remember what’s happened. Nothing we do now will ever make the past go away, and those memories are just part of him now.” Joyce’s eyes locked onto Xander, and Xander gazed back calmly during Spike’s speech. At the end, Joyce walked over and went to her knees in front of him.

“Xander, I’ve never seen you like this, please tell me you’re still in there and you’re going to be okay.” She sounded ready to cry, and Xander found himself surprised. He had never been close to Buffy’s mom, but now he shoved aside the training and reached out for her hand.

“I’m okay. I’m not the same, but I’m okay,” he managed before the panic started building. She just gripped his hand as she looked into his eyes.

“I just hope you can convince Giles of that,” Joyce said sadly without moving.

“Oi, don’t go bringin’ that git into it,” Spike snarled.

“Can’t help it. Angel called today to say that for $100,000 you had better have brought back both girls and Jimmy Hoffa.” Spike just snorted.

“Wanker.”

“I told him you brought Xander home,” Joyce said quietly, and Xander continued to maintain eye contact with her while she stared at him as though searching for some answer.

“Don’t bloody say it,” Spike warned.

“He said you have until tomorrow night to tell Giles or he’s going to call Giles himself.”

“That bloody inconsiderate Poof. Slack-jawed, over-gelled poncy git. That wanker walked away leavin’ me ta try and fix things, and now he calls and tell me what ta do.” Xander nearly fell as Spike stood up so quickly and violently that Xander had to put a hand down on the floor to keep his balance.

“William,” Joyce said, mother voice coming to the fore as she stood and went to Spike.

“No, I don’t bloody have ta take this.”

“He’s going to find out. If he finds out from some other demon or from seeing the two of you out beating each other senseless with your man-games, it’s going to be worse.”

“It’s going to be bloody messy no matter how it happens,” Spike pointed out as he now leaned against the far wall lighting a cigarette.

“Yeah, it is, but no messier than anything else around here for the last six months.”

“True, luv,” Spike conceded, and Xander suspected that tomorrow they were going to go see Giles, and he would finally find out what had happened between them. From Spike’s expression he wasn’t sure he wanted to go.

Chapter 9:

Xander woke the next day not in the cage but in an actual bed. True, he had freaked out a little, growing increasingly uncomfortable and uneasy until Spike had turned a half closed eye to him and asked him if he wanted the cage. Xander hadn’t, but he also didn’t know how to be in a bed anymore. After listening to Xander’s denial, Spike had looked at him for a long time, silent and tilting his head to the side as Xander tried not to squirm, but he literally didn’t know what to do with his limbs. His legs would curl up under him, tight up against his butt, but without restraints to hold them, they would eventually relax and move down the bed until Xander realized they were relaxed and pull them up again, leading to a great deal of fidgeting and a vampire still awake as the first rays of morning caused a glow in the windows.

At that point, Xander didn’t *want* the cage, but if Spike had asked him to go into the cage, he would have with great relief. When an obviously tired Spike had crawled out of bed and headed for the closet, Xander had sighed with the knowledge that he had annoyed his Master enough to go back in the cage, which he totally understood considering he couldn’t stop fidgeting, and even worse, he feared he had lost his front decoration. Instead of the cage, however, Spike came out of the closet with a set of chains and leather cuffs.

That explained his current predicament. He was chained to the bed with very little slack, his arms attached to the headboard and his legs chained to the footboard, and his body stretched not tightly but at least snugly. The restraints he liked, they gave him a reason to stay still and kept him from wondering what he was *supposed* to do. The problem was that Spike in his sleep had rolled over and now lay half on top of Xander, one of the vampire’s legs thrown protectively over his own and a vampire arm carelessly tossed over his chest and the vampire’s face fitting perfectly where head and shoulder met, leaving vampire hair to tickle at his sensitive cheek and nose.

Xander lay under his Master’s perfectly still body and tried not to sneeze and wake Spike. Eventually though biology overcame both training and desire and Xander sneezed as his own breathing moved Spike’s hair closer to his nose.

“Oi, gettin’ human snot on me!” complained an unhappy voice, but Xander recognized the teasing tone.

“Sorry, Master,” he replied unconvincingly.

“Yeah, yeah. Soddin’ humans with their endless drippin’ and leakin’.” Spike grumbled on about the general worthlessness of the human body as he crawled out of bed and went searching. Xander had a sudden thought and just hoped that Spike wasn’t searching for the key. Soon enough, a naked Spike came out of the closet holding up a key ring like a long-lost relic in the hand of an archeologist.

“Found it,” he announced triumphantly and Xander bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying something rude to his Master. Spike walked back to the bed and sat down, but he didn’t reach for the cuffs. Xander watched without comment as Spike reached out and ran a hand up his chest, stopping to rub a nipple. Xander would have liked to get hard, but his Master wasn’t hard so he held his own body in check.

“How about a little game?” Spike asked, and Xander looked at his Master for some sign of Spike’s mood. The vampire reached down and unlocked Xander’s ankles before moving Xander’s legs apart and kneeling between them on the bed.

“One rule, pet,” Spike said, and Xander listened as Spike leaned down, putting his hands on either side of Xander’s head. “Don’t get hard,” Spike whispered quietly but in such a serious tone that Xander resolved to obey no matter what. Spike lowered his body onto Xander and began with a kiss. A real kiss, the type of kiss Xander hadn’t felt in six months as Spike used his tongue to invade Xander’s mouth and Xander felt lips move against his lips. Spike’s weight rested comfortingly along the whole length of his body, and he flexed his arms to better feel the tight restraints trapping his wrists.

Part of him wanted to buck up into that strong body, to feel the increased pressure and friction as he humped into his Master’s body, but another part of him wanted to show his worthiness and obedience, so Xander stayed still and unmoving as Spike’s mouth plundered his own with savage hunger. Eventually Spike pulled back, and Xander openly stared up into those brilliant blue eyes as Spike sniffed the air and smiled knowingly.

When Spike started moving down, tasting a spot of skin here, sucking a nipple there, nibbling everywhere, Xander nearly screamed. Xander kept his arms tight against the restraints and concentrated on his tense shoulders as he felt his Master work his way down toward Xander’s still limp cock, but Xander didn’t know how much longer it would stay limp at this point.

Without warning, he felt a mouth surround his flaccid cock and he started mentally chanting to keep his body under control. He considered calling up one of his more unpleasant memories, but that just seemed wrong when in bed with Spike, so he held on and gritted his teeth as he tried to remember his tenth grade teacher trying to show him how to get the quadratic formula, and then Willow trying to teaching him how to come up with the quadratic formula, and even Giles taking a shot at it. The memory of that frustration should surely undo all the pleasure he felt as blood kept trying to gather in his cock which twitched but didn’t engorge in his Master’s mouth.

“Stubborn git,” Spike said with a smile as he finally sat up, and Xander gasped in relief from not having to fight his body’s need to react to such stimulation. However, Spike hadn’t finished yet; he reached up and grabbed a pillow before ordering Xander to lift his hips. When Spike stuffed the pillow under his hips, Xander had the feeling something else was about to get stuffed, and he fought back another surge of lust at that thought.

Sure enough, Spike retrieved a tube from the nightstand drawer and settled in between Xander’s sprawled legs. Xander closed his eyes and started his little silent chant as he felt a finger invade his body, wiggling in a way that just invited Xander to wiggle back, but Xander had an order and he would follow it no matter how much Spike tortured him. And Xander was beginning to think it torture as well because a second finger now joined him, stretching him in a way that made him shiver with blissful expectation and breathe through the agony of keeping himself soft.

Spike added a third finger and then brushed the prostate, and Xander’s cock immediately responded before Xander could fight it back down to a more calm state although certainly not completely flaccid any more. Xander just hoped that the slightly swollen and enlarged member qualified as soft in his Master’s eyes because he didn’t think he could do any better with his Master’s fingers still in him.

Xander had his eyes closed, so when Spike took his legs and swung them up into the air, Xander gasped in surprised and opened his eyes to see his own legs slung over Spike’s shoulders as Spike poised to thrust in. The look in Spike’s face and the feeling as his Master made the first thrust in rubbing the prostate the whole way totally undid Xander and every bit of blood he possessed flowed in to his cock which immediately swelled to a size and hardness hitherto unknown to man.

Xander gasped, caught between the agony of failing his Master and the vision of his Master’s smiling, triumphant face as Spike finally forced a reaction so strong as to be out of Xander’s control. Xander felt a shifting so immense that if he hadn’t been chained he would have grabbed the sheets to steady himself; however, the shift existed only in his mind. He suddenly understood the game and understood that by failing to follow orders he’d done the right thing. He felt Spike thrust in again, and he wrapped his legs around Spike’s body and braced his palms against the head board as their coupling drove him steadily up the bed.

Spike started slow and easy, but the minute Xander’s legs wrapped around him, Xander could feel the vampire quickly lose control himself and start thrusting in powerfully before finally coming with a growl. Xander’s own release followed close behind as he came all over his own stomach and chest. Spike slid out and lay to the side of Xander who now had sperm on and in him but could do nothing since he was still chained to the bed by his wrists, and he couldn’t imagine a better place to be. When Spike opened his eyes again several minutes later, he had an amused expression.

“Took ya bloody long enough. I’m the one who’s dead, pet, but you were doing a fine impression of a dead man there for a while.”

“Following orders, Master.”

“Remind me not ta play that game again; it’s hard on the ego to think I can’t even make a bloody human hard after 120 years of sexual experience.” Xander would have worried about having actually hurt Spike’s feelings only the vampire had such an amused expression with one eyebrow cocked up higher than the other that Xander just smiled in response. “Go do human stuff,” Spike ordered as he unlocked the wrist cuffs and Xander hurried out of bed to go wash so they could get started with their day.

The day started normally with Spike showering in another bathroom as Xander did his morning absolutions, and for the first time, Xander wondered why Spike didn’t join him showering, but he shrugged off the little nagging voice and dried off before wandering into the bedroom where Spike had laid out street clothes.

“Pet, we’re leavin’ the decorations at home today,” Spike said carefully, and Xander suddenly worried about having done something wrong. Spike must have noticed because he hurried to explain. “Giles is a little touchy about things like that, so we’re leavin’ them here so he doesn’t have somethin’ ta complain about.” Spike paused. “Although he’ll likely complain anyway.” Xander dressed in the jeans and button up shirt Spike gave him before adding boots and the various weapons that Spike had told him to carry. A lightweight coat hiding his veritable armory went on last. Xander took a deep breath and told himself that not following orders was good as he prepared to do something he hadn’t done in nearly six months.

“What happened with Giles?” Xander asked as he slipped the coat in place and prepared to follow Spike downstairs for their early meal before going out. Joyce always fixed their first meal and they would eat it together. The late meal would consist of some sandwich Spike would make as they tried not to make too much noise and wake Joyce, and Xander realized that they were quickly falling into a familiar pattern that was becoming “family” to him.

Spike sighed and continued down the stairs, Xander follow at heel. Xander could smell the chicken fried steak from the front hall, and he smiled at the choice. He’d gone so long without real meat that Joyce could plop uncooked ground beef in front of him and he’d be happy, but her wonderful cooking did not go unappreciated, and Xander noticed that Spike tended to eat his fill as well, although Xander did wonder how Spike got rid of all the food he took in.

“Good morning,” Joyce cheerfully offered as she came out of the kitchen carrying food.

“Not bloody likely. Soon as this day’s over, it’ll be good.” Spike grumbled at he sat, and Xander knelt down beside the chair, watching the two talk curiously.

“Boy asked about Giles,” Spike said as he cut into the meat on the plate and then held out a chunk for Xander to take.

“What did you tell him?”

“What am I supposed to say? That the git is an ungrateful bastard who soddin’ well annoys me so bad my fangs itch with the need ta eat him?” Spike actually sounded angry at that, and Xander looked up to see Spike’s game face, but the fork that now held mashed potatoes waited steadily and Xander continued eating assuming that if Spike really were angry enough to actually kill Giles, the vampire would be angrily pacing or breaking things. Joyce sighed.

“You two are going to have to talk this out some time.”

“Not bloody my fault,” Spike insisted sounding all the world like a five year old.

“Xander,” Xander looked up surprised because Joyce didn’t talk to him very often. “When the Initiative got invaded, Spike’s cell was near Giles’, so he found Giles rather quickly, but he couldn’t protect Giles from all the angry demons that were raging through the complex.” Knowing about Buffy’s actual death, Xander imagined that Spike must have been desperate to protect the Watcher. He still didn’t see any reason for homicidal itching.

“Well, Spike made a choice. In order to protect Rupert, Spike claimed him.” Xander’s eyes went big as he stared up at his Master even while he continued to eat. Claim bites were easily smelled by other demons, so Xander could understand the logic, but claim bites marked a human a slave, as property, much like the tattoo on the inside of Xander’s cheek marked him as property. The difference was that no demon could smell the tattoo, but most demons that got anywhere near Giles would instantly smell that mark and assume that Giles belonged to Spike. Xander wasn’t stupid either; he knew full well that Giles did a lot of business with demons through the Magic Shop.

Xander looked over to Joyce and wondered if the woman had any idea how big this would be. The Watchers in England surely would have heard rumors of Spike claiming a watcher for himself. “And I’m afraid I didn’t help matters,” Joyce continued sadly.

“Oi, don’t even put any of his bloody issues on yourself, luv. You were sick and ya needed a doctor who didn’t pat ya on the head and send ya home. Ya needed a doctor who’d take my word that something smelled wrong, and that means ya needed a demon doctor,” Spike instantly argued.

“Yes, but when word got around that you’d taken the slayer’s mother to a doctor for human pets, I don’t think that made Rupert feel any better about the interest you were talking in Buffy’s life.”

“He’s a bloody idjit. He doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t bloody want to understand. I could tell other demons ta stay away from him, and they’d do it. No demon gets between a vampire and a claimed human, but I haven’t and he can’t even bloody see that I’m not tryin’ ta use the claim against him.”

“I know, but he’s suffering from Buffy’s loss and after what the Initiative did to him, I can understand him hating something that makes him feel less free or less…” Joyce struggled for a word. “Less powerful, I guess. He was always such a powerful influence in Buffy’s life and now he’s lost her and he’s lost this belief that he could protect the children, and in the eyes of the demon community, he’s lost his own independence. Rupert is just making you the center for his anger over all of it.”

“He’s makin’ himself a bloody nuisance, and if he upsets my Xander, I’ll…” Spike stopped, and when Xander looked up he saw Joyce standing with one hand on a hip with a mother look that clearly promised a good grounding and a week of dishes. Xander almost choked on the steak as he tried not to laugh at a Master Vampire stopped in his tracks by a mother-glare. “I’ll soddin’ knock him upside his head and drop him off at the nearest hospital,” Spike finally compromised. Joyce didn’t look happy, but the hand came off the hip at least.

Xander finished eating in silence since the two adults seemed to have used up their conversation. When they’d finished, Xander followed Spike out the door even as the vampire called to Joyce to make arrangements with Giles to meet at a cemetery near the watcher’s house.

Xander followed Spike through town silently, aware that Spike’s mood darkened with every step closer to the cemetery until finally they entered the gates.

“Xander! Good lord, you’re actually alive.” Xander heard Giles call from a little way off to the side, and he looked to see a rather haggard looking Giles come toward them with an unshaven face and a wrinkled shirt.

“What? Ya think I lied about findin’ him? Ya think Joyce lied?” Spike demanded, and Xander could see Giles flinch, a hand going into a pocket where Xander suspected a stake with Spike’s name waited. He shifted his own position so that he was closer to Spike, not that Spike actually needed help, but maybe he could keep them from killing each other.

“I am perfectly aware of your ability to lie, and I am unsure about the influence you now hold over Joyce, so I did have my doubts,” Giles commented, but Xander noticed that Giles didn’t stop looking at him.

“Xander, are you all right?” Giles asked and then Xander understood the man’s concern. Droopy Harris would have already blurted out the whole story in one long run-on sentence.

“All right might be too strong,” Xander admitted as he tried to reassure Giles, hoping that he could help these two not kill each other. “But better.” Giles’ cold expression didn’t soften.

“Xander do you remember how much you hated Spike? Do you remember how Spike nearly killed you when he wanted Willow to do that spell? Do you remember Spike capturing you that one Halloween?”

“Oi, old news, mate. Things have changed and you need to move on,” Spike growled, but Giles just continued, his focus totally on Xander until Xander felt like trying to hide behind Spike. He would have actually moved if he hadn’t feared it would push Giles over the edge to violence.

“You know those feelings were real, so how can you trust Spike now with the chip out?” Giles asked, and now Spike stepped forward with a growl that Giles ignored as he continued. “Somewhere deep down, you know that you aren't thinking straight. You've been scared for so long that you're just clinging to the first person who shows you any kindness, and that's normal, Xander. What you're feeling is normal, but it's not real.”

At that Spike moved forward with the clear intention of ending Giles’ speech, only his forward momentum ended when a large dark figure tackled him from the side. Xander’s hand instantly pulled his sword as he stepped up to identify the attacker as Angel. The two vampires clung to each other, each trying to get a strong enough hold to pin the other, and Xander raised his sword. He couldn’t kill his Master’s sire without some sort of directions, but he could sure injure Angel and leave him vulnerable to counter attack. Xander was about to launch his attack, when Spike’s voice called out “Down!”

Without hesitation, Xander sank into a down kneel laying his sword by his side so that he could properly position his hands as he watched the vampire change tactics into a more aggressive punch and kick style. Angel fell back, and Spike pressed his advantage only to find that Angel had feigned. As Angel swung his childe around with a hold on his neck, Xander stood and picked up his sword in time to see Angel press a stake to Spike’s heart.

“Down!” Spike called at the same time Angel said, “Don’t do it.” He realized that he could never get to Spike in time as he squirmed ineffectively with his arm twisted up behind his back and a wood stake pressed to his chest. Without any better options, Xander sank back down to his knees.

“You bloody wanker,” Spike hissed still in game face.

“You were going to kill Giles,” Angel replied, and Xander flinched as Angel pressed the stake a little deeper.

“I was goin’ ta soddin’ attack him and slap him stupid, or stupider in his case.”

“Don’t press your luck boy,” Angel warned, and Xander could see Spike’s body arch up as Angel twisted the arm and pressed the stake’s point into the flesh.

“Don’t you dare do it in front of Xander you bloody useless lump of dead flesh,” Spike hissed, and Xander felt his heart ripped out as he realized what Spike meant. Ignoring orders, he stood, sword in hand and moved so that his back wasn’t to Giles as he took up a defensive position.

“Xander, since I've been looking for the girls, I've done a lot of research. I'm sure that you think I'm trying to take you away from Spike, and I'm sure you think he's doing the right thing, but you’re suffering from Stockholm syndrome,” Giles explained in a voice that he normally used for the crazy old lady who always bought ginseng from the Magic Shop. Giles held up his hands in a surrender pose as he stepped closer, and Xander adjusted his stance.

“He’s sufferin’ from the effin’ slaver’s trainin’ and from your interference,” Spike snapped.

“William,” Angel warned and Xander watched as Spike stilled in his sire’s grip, obviously outmatched by the larger and older vampire.

“Not in front of him,” Spike said again in a weary and much softer voice, and this time he dropped out of his game face.

“I don’t want to stake you, William. Whatever your reasons, you’ve done the right thing by Joyce and I know you’re trying to help Xander.”

“He’d doing Xander irreparable harm,” Giles interrupted, and now Xander couldn’t ignore the verbal attacks.

“He saved me and he’s helped more than you could have,” Xander said. “You gave up; you told Willow to give up.” Xander had said more than he intended and he could see as his words sunk in. Giles went from shocked to guilty to angry to some sort of emotion that Xander couldn’t identify. When the glasses remained in place throughout, Xander realized that Giles had certainly changed as well.

“Xander, I know that’s not you talking. You have to find your real feelings or you're going to be stuck a slave your whole life, and Buffy would have wanted more for you. You can’t stay with Spike.”

“William, order him to follow Giles home,” Angel demanded and the hiss Spike made revealed his opinions about that. “If you don’t, I will kill you in order to get him away from you. Even if you don’t mean to hurt him, Giles is right—he needs to be with people who can help him in ways you can’t.”

“He bloody well needs me,” Spike growled.

“He feels that way because survivors with Stockholm Syndrome take their terror and the small kindnesses that they see their captors showing them and they build it into a relationship that doesn't exist. His feeling right now aren’t real, they’re his attempt to deal with the fear of being purchased by you.” Xander watched Spike’s eyes flicker over to him, and he could only hope his Master didn’t listen to Giles’ explanation.

“I’ll make this simple, William. You either order him to follow Giles, or I’ll turn you to dust right here so he knows you won’t be coming for him again.” Xander watched his Master’s eyes meet his before Spike’s gaze slipped down to the ground in front of him, and Xander almost cried in fear because he knew his Master’s next words, and he didn’t know if he could survive them.

“Pet, go with Giles,” Spike ordered, and Xander’s body trembled with the need to follow the order and the need to ignore it. The sound of Giles moving drew his attention away from Spike.

“I know you can't answer right now; I know how hard this is, but you can get through this and I'll be here the whole way. You just need some time and some space to feel safe and you can overcome these feelings. I promise to help,” Giles said as he took one more step closer.

“I can’t,” Xander hoarsely offered as an apology to either Giles or his Master or both.

“Xander, I will turn him to dust if you can’t let go of him any other way,” Angel said so calmly that Xander knew he was telling the truth. He lowered his sword and didn’t argue when Giles stepped up and took it away from him. Xander looked over toward Spike who refused to even meet his gaze.

“Let him go now,” Xander pleaded.

“As soon as Giles has time to get you home, I’ll release him. He’s my family, Xander. I really don’t want him dead, but I can’t let him hurt you by misunderstanding what you really need.” Xander dropped his gaze, realizing that he had lost so when Giles reached out a hand, Xander didn’t fight. He fell into step with Giles even as the man kept a tight grip on his arm, and he prayed that Angel was good for his word because if Xander had just caused his Master’s death, he knew he wouldn’t survive the guilt.

--Go on with the story--