Thoughts Colored Ugly
Rated ADULT for femdom, slavery, and S&M
"Can hear you thinkin' from all the way up in the pilot's seat," River said as she leaned on the ladder that led into Jayne quarters… Jayne's private quarters. He put up with a lot of gorram rules to get himself private quarters, and he wasn't havin' no crazy-girl comin' in whenever she wanted.
"Get out," he growled.
She cocked her head in that funny way she had when things weren't all right in her head.
"Mean it. These are my quarters, so get your pretty little ass out of them." Jayne crossed his arms and considered her with an expression that he'd been told made men's blood run cold. She just cocked her head to the other side. If it weren't for Mal takin' a liking to the crazy shen jing bing, he'd show her just how much he hated that expression.
"You think so loud," she announced as she stepped into his room, her hand coming up to trace the edge of Vera's barrel, and that was the last straw. No one touched his gun. Reaching out, Jayne grabbed her wrist and yanked her away from his gorram gun. Her back collided with his chest, and then she bounced off, but rather than just being the natural reaction of getting herself shoved around, she used the motion to pull Jayne with her. His arm ended up in her hands, and he was flying toward the far wall before his brain really caught up with the rest of him. Of course, the cold bulkhead stopped him face-first before he had a chance to get too far.
"Bun tyen-shung duh ee-dway-ro," Jayne spat as River captured his arm and held it at the small of his back. His other hand was flat against the wall of his quarters, and he pushed as hard as he could, only to get five inches from the wall and no more. And as soon as his trembling arm muscles failed him, River slammed him face first into the cold wall again.
"Get off," Jayne warned darkly just as soon as he figured out that he wasn't fighting his way out of this. Damned embarrassing not being able to fight off a slip of a girl, but then she was more than she appeared.
"Think so loud, all the time," she repeated.
"Great, you're not havin' what you might call a real rational moment here, are you?" Jayne snorted. "Always knew you'd slip off that sane ship you'd caught awhile back. So, you going to slide another knife in my guts, is that where this is going?"
"Fear like little mice loose in the engine."
Jayne clenched his fists. Out of her gorram mind, and too strong for anyone to really stop her. "Maybe you should call Simon," he tried as he watched her over his shoulder. She cocked her head the other way.
"He's busy. Kaylee screams like the wind through the mountain passes of Omlikai in winter, all white and covered with ice that melts in the sun," she solemnly announced.
"Gorram wonderful. Then call the captain."
"Why?" she asked curiously.
"If you're going to gut me, I figure we could use an audience. Had one last time," he pointed out. Saving himself through talk wasn't his strong suit, but survivin' was, and if he had to talk to save his hide, he would. One of River's hands slid around to his side and pulled his shirt up so that small, warm fingers could trace the skin underneath. Jayne could only grunt and order his chun zi of a cock to not react to a woman's hand on his body. Unfortunately, his cock had been settlin' for Jayne's own hand a little too often, so it was taking the opportunity to harden.
"Won't gut you. You were thinking too loud that day. Couldn't hear my own thoughts," she remarked conversationally as she released his arm. Jayne continued to stand facing the wall. Now that he'd gotten a promise out of her, he didn't want to go settin' the crazy ji nv off again.
Her hand came up and stroked his cheek, and he could feel soft fingers scratching over his stubble. "Do you think I'm a whore?" she asked seriously.
"Never said that!" Jayne immediately protested. Okay, so he'd been thinking it, but he sure wasn't sayin' it. Her second hand landed on his shoulder, fingers digging into the flesh until he flinched from the pain and hunched up some.
"You thought it. You thought about me being a ji nv."
Jayne had told himself to just stand real still and let her get tired of her little game, but that made him turn so fast that she took a step back, an amused expression on her face.
"Cao ni zu zong shi ba dai," he cursed, the worst phrase he knew, and certainly a whole lot worse than thinking of the crazy bat as a ji nv. "How do you know what I been thinkin'?" he demanded. River returned her attention to Vera, turning to the gun and stroking the handle. Jayne had to order himself to not reach out and backhand her for touching what was his.
Instead, she swirled, her arms a graceful arch until the back of one collided with Jayne's head and sent him reeling to the side until he literally collapsed on his bed. Squirming like a cat, he landed on his back and went to stand, but she was there at the side of his bunk, and standing meant having to push her back, and whatever weirdness had crawled in her head and set up shop, she wasn't in a mood to be pushed around.
"Not yours, though. You took her. You're so proud of her because he called you a worm. He disrespected you and you took the one thing he really loved."
Jayne's eyes involuntarily darted toward Vera. River couldn't know.
"You think so loud," she repeated again, and Jayne was getting mighty tired of hearin' that about himself.
"Ever think maybe you shouldn't be listening to other people's minds?" he asked carefully as he scooted back on his bunk. She bent over so that her hand rested on his thigh, holding him in place.
"I don't listen to the others," she said, and that was almost a sane expression on her face.
"Try not listening to me, then," he said as calmly as he could, which wasn't easy considering his cock was putting bein' in his bunk together with the hot hand braced against his thigh and comin' up with all kinds of stupid ideas. He never could trust his cock.
"Hard to not listen. You shout into the darkness, and I hear you," River said softly. She reached down with her free hand and slowly pulled Jayne's shirt out of his pants. He just watched as she tugged until she could see his stomach. He'd never been one to turn down gettin' sexed, even if it was from someone on the wrong side of nuts, and he wasn't about to start now. However, those slim fingers of hers didn't touch his belt. They stroked the skin just above his belly button before sliding over to explore the puckered skin of the scar where she'd stuck him. Jayne held his breath hopin' she remembered that promise she'd given him earlier.
"I hurt you," she said softly, and again, the almost-sane voice was back, which scared Jayne even more because if she was having one of her fits of sanity and still obsessed with gutting him, there really wasn't going to be much he could do. Gorram captain, giving her free rein over the ship and makin' her pilot. Gorram crew wouldn't even check on him until they needed some killin' done, so if River went and stabbed him, he'd gorram bleed to death without no one knowing no different. Jayne held very still.
"You wanted to be hurt so badly," she whispered, and now she slowly dug her fingernails into his skin until he hissed.
"Cao! Ease off there," he complained as he grabbed her wrist. For one second he thought he'd made a serious mistake as cold eyes stared at him, lookin' nothing like the half-wit girl he knew and lookin' all too much like the killer who'd taken out the Reavers. "Look, I'm just not lookin' to end up dead, so why don't you tell me what kind of game we're playing here," he tried again. The cold expression faded, and she tilted her head at him again, studying him with something that at least made it seem like he was less likely to end up twisting on her knife point.
She glanced toward Vera. "Before him, there was another man. He always knew when you did something wrong, and he'd make it hurt, but then he always gave you a way to make it up, to be a good little boy," she whispered confidentially. Jayne's guts knotted, but she just babbled on. "Pain and forgiveness."
"Shen jing bing!" Jayne brought his boot up and used every bit of strength to kick River. He aimed for her face, but ended up getting her stomach. She stumbled back and hit the far wall of his tiny quarters, and Jayne was up, reaching for his gun. River flew at him, and Jayne knew he was in trouble even before the first fist caught him in the stomach. He doubled over, trying not to vomit, and a punch to his kidneys brought him up fast as he tried to defend himself.
He got two hits in before she somehow spun him around and sent him face first into his own bunk, again. This time she sat on his back, one of his arms wrenched high up between his shoulder blades. The worst part, though, was that his chun zi cock was harder than ever. If he survived this, he needed to find him a good whore who could sex the stupid out of it or a doctor who could just cut the thing right off.
"Always made you feel safe, knowing that he'd catch you, that he'd still love you after you did something bad," she whispered in his ear.
"I done lots of bad in my day, and I ain't never cared about what people thought of it." Jayne kept his voice to a low, rumbled whisper before closing his eyes and ordering himself to just wait out this spell of hers.
"When your mother married again, it was different, though," she sounded confused now, but Jayne refused to give her any more to work with than she already had. He remembered how she'd played head games with that wang ba dan who'd come for the bounty on her. Jayne wasn't even going to try and play that game. He knew he wasn't a smart man; he knew he wasn't a particularly good man, but he knew how to survive, and right now his instincts told him to just stay real quiet and let her finish whatever she wanted to say. He forced his muscles to relax, and she rewarded him by letting up on his arm just enough that he didn't feel like it was about to come popping off his gorram shoulder.
"Your father, he made you feel forgiven, but there isn't anyone to forgive you now."
Jayne focused on just breathing. Even his idiot cock had finally gotten the message, but then pinning him on a bed and talking to him about his dead father wasn't exactly foreplay, not even for him, and Jayne could take most anything as foreplay.
"I hear you," she said as she leaned down, her weight deceptively light on Jayne's back. He could lift her up and throw her, but considering he'd just been handed his ass twice, he didn't have a lot of illusions about how that would end up. She ran a finger down his cheek, and Jayne opened his eyes and watched her suspiciously.
"I hear you," she repeated, the words whispered across his skin.
"Can you hear me tell you to get off?" he tried. She cocked her head at him.
"I could give you pain," she offered, and the fingers that had stroked his cheek vanished as one fingernail now ran over his unshaven whiskers. He shivered as the pain was just enough to waken his traitorous cock. "I could give you forgiveness." River squeezed her thighs together so hard that Jayne knew he'd have bruises on his waist tomorrow. He'd also be jerking off in his bunk for a month remembering how they felt. But he wasn't stupid enough to do anything with crazy girl. Hell, captain would cut his balls off for him if he touched her.
"Don't need you," he said carefully, and just as carefully avoided thinking anything that might lead to him getting dead.
"Hurts so much, not having forgiveness, not having anyone to tell you which rules you broke when you don't understand," she looked at him with pity, and Jayne just couldn't take it.
"Leastwise I'm not fucking nuts," he snapped back. Jayne braced for pain, but she just started stroking his cheek again.
"Captain hears you too, but not so much I think. He doesn't know if he's right about what he's hearing."
"Good to know. Are we done?"
River looked down at him and her hand wandered down to his waist, fingers tucking themselves inside his waistband.
"Can't think clear when you're thinking so loud in my head," she said as she tightened her fingers around his wrist. Jayne winced.
"Never thought someone'd complain about me thinkin' too much. Not really known for my thinking."
"Do you want me to forgive you?" she asked as she pressed her fingers deeper into his pants, her fingertips brushing over the crevice of his ass. He thought about trying to sell her back to the government, about the times when he'd called her all sorts of names and had fantasies 'bout throwing her and her arrogant brother right out the airlock.
"You offering forgiveness?" he asked warily. Fact was, he didn't want or need it, but if it got her out of his quarters, he'd be an idiot to not ask anyway.
"If you take the pain. Take the pain and show me how strong you are. Listen to all the reasons why you need forgiveness and then crawl, and I'll forgive you," River whispered in his ear, and Jayne's world turned hazy as every bit of blood rushed to his idiot cock.
Well, go tsao de, she had been crawling in his head. He didn't even tell his whores about that fantasy; that was for those long nights in the middle of some run when he didn't have anything better than his hand and the shiniest fantasy he could weave for himself. Course, Jayne couldn't really afford the type of whores who specialized in that kind of fantasy, that was more the sort of thing a companion did, and Jayne couldn't hire one of those even if he woke up and found all the money in the gorram universe sittin' under his bed. Wasn't sure Inara had even looked at him twice yet.
"Do you want that?" River asked.
The word 'no' teetered on the edge of Jayne's lips, but he couldn't say it, not knowing that River had crawled around in his mind. "Won't take it from you," he finally answered truthfully.
River sat up and released his arm while still having her fingers in his pants. Laying under her, Jayne realized he had to find some other ship, someplace where some crazy girl couldn't go sliding into his thoughts, and he needed to do it before the doc or the captain found out about what she'd learned. Wasn't his fault that she'd gone and found his kinks—wasn't like he'd left dirty magazines out in the common room, leastwise not after Kaylee found his first one and spaced it. But it wouldn't matter, not once they found out. Given a choice between blaming Crazy or him, they were going to blame him.
She didn't get up, and as the minutes passed, Jayne started wondering exactly what they were doing now. "You planning on getting up?" he asked.
"You'd bleed pretty," River commented calmly, and Jayne's muscles tensed even though he remained still. Course, if she marked him up bad enough, the others couldn't blame him. Only, they still would. River ran a hand up his back, pushing his shirt up, and Jayne didn't stop her. He didn't help her, but he didn’t stop her. "So strong," she whispered, and Jayne bit back an angry answer. "I hear you, but I want you to offer me your pain, I don't want to take it," she finally said as she stood up.
Jayne rolled to his side and watched her walk toward the ladder. "Wait, you're just leaving?" Confusion made him ask, that's the only thing he could figure because getting her out had been the goal from the start.
"Are you offering me your pain?" she asked with a look of sweet innocence that made Jayne truly question the captain's decision to let her stay. Gorram unpredictable.
"No," he answered firmly.
"Will you offer the captain your pain?" she asked in that same tone.
"What? No. Not offering anyone a chance to cause me pain," Jayne snorted as he sat up and started tucking his shirt back into his pants. River walked closer and laid a hand on his cheek.
"You think so loud that it must hurt," she said, and the serious tone of voice just did not fit the crazy-ass words. Jayne just stared at her until she turned and headed up the ladder and out of his quarters. For a long time, Jayne just sat on his bunk in shock. Her words brought back a flood of memories of his father and the step-father he'd stolen Vera from and a hundred fantasies he'd played in his mind. Pushing away all the thoughts of a past he couldn't change, Jayne got up and locked his door before he headed back to his bunk for a nice long session with his hand.
"We stopping somewheres soon?" Jayne asked the next morning as he casually leaned against the railing. 'Course if River'd said too much, Mal was likely to toss him right over and to the deck below, but he'd deal with that then.
"Tanish 5," Mal said as he shifted feet.
Cao. Hick world with not much chance to catch another ship, but it was still better than stayin' here until Mal and the doc figured out he'd corrupted their little half-wit. Mal'd beat the shit out of him and toss him off. Jayne'd left plenty of ships that way, so that didn't really bother him, 'cepting that he didn't really want Mal to be the one doing the tossing. But the doc was a mite bit more unpredictable. Crazy as hell seemed to run in that family.
"Thought we might settle up on my wages," Jayne said all nonchalant. Mal leaned on one arm and turned enough to give Jayne one of those all-knowin' looks that made Jayne mighty uncomfortable. Come to think of it, there were lots of people on this ship who made him uncomfortable.
"Not leaving a share with Kaylee for tradin'?" Mal asked. Jayne didn't answer right away. Yeah, if he pulled his share out from the money they pooled so Kaylee could try and find them some good grub, they'd know he was leaving for sure, but he wasn't walking away from money he earned. Yeah, he wasn't a bright man, but he wasn't gorram stupid.
"Figure not," Jayne shrugged. Mal gave him an even sharper look.
"Something you plan to tell me?"
"No." And Jayne really didn't plan to tell the captain. He just asked too many questions, and there were things a man didn't rightly want to share.
"Tell me anyway."
Jayne stood up and considered just how much he was willing to tell Mal. River's words from last night haunted him. Mal heard him. Well, he'd had enough of people hearing him. Turning his back on Mal, he started down the stairs into the empty hold. Maybe if he could find a ship where they actually had jobs on every run. Half the time, Serenity ran empty from one planet to another, and now that he was thinkin' about that, it annoyed him. It was like throwing money out the gorram airlock.
"Jayne!" Mal called as he followed, and Jayne stopped for a second at the bottom of the stairs as he considered his options. Not really much room for running on a ship.
"Problem, sir?" Zoe asked as she abandoned the control panel she was working on.
"Seems like Jayne's thinking of pulling up stakes," Mal said. Jayne shot the captain a nasty look before he pushed past Zoe and went into the galley.
"Oh." Zoe didn't say anything else, but Jayne didn't expect her to. He wasn't the sort of man people got upset over losing. Wash had been someone people cared about. Even Jayne had felt those moments over dinner where he'd expect one of the little man's stupid jokes, but Jayne wouldn't leave a hole like that. Well, they might notice him when no one pointed out that Kaylee was get wet between her legs every time the doc walked by. He'd thought she stop doin' that once she was getting sexed, but she was just as bad as always. For Jayne, a good sexin' was always enough to cure the desire, but Kaylee didn't seem that sort.
"Do you plan on explaining why you're leaving?" Mal asked as he leaned against the counter as Jayne rummaged for some food that didn't look disgusting.
"Nope."
Jayne grabbed a box of crackers and then froze as River drifted into the room, that damn head to the side expression that just didn't mean anything good for him.
"Gao yang jong duh goo yang," Mal snapped. "Think I've earned the right to ask why you're walking."
"Just am," Jayne shrugged again as he tried hard to ignore River. Girl didn't make it easy with eyes that stared at him. He distracted himself by watching Zoe. Now that was one fine woman. If he was going just by looks, he'd pick her every time. She looked like she could crush a man between her thighs. He'd bought himself a whore that looked like that once, only she'd been a bit thicker 'round the middle. Stupid ji nv hadn't even known how to suck cock right, but he'd jerked off to thoughts of her solid body for weeks. 'Course he'd never have his little bunk fantasies about Zoe because she'd break him into little pieces. Jayne stopped himself as he found his palms rubbing the bruises on his waist where River had held him the night before.
"I'm not particular fond of how you're looking at me," Zoe warned with a frown, and Jayne felt that familiar stirring in his cock.
"Figure since I'm goin', you might want to give me a going away party, just you and me," he suggested with a leer; he never did see why she went for someone soft like Wash. She just raised an eyebrow and glanced over toward Mal.
"How 'bout we focus on the question at hand?" Mal asked. Jayne ate a cracker and tried to not look at any of them. "Don't like being ignored," Mal warned.
"Exactly, too many rules. Gorram rules for everything around here," Jayne complained.
"Not enough rules," River sighed softly as she wandered into the room and dropped into a chair.
"Aren't you flying or something?" Jayne demanded as she settled her chin in her hand and watched him. "Too many gorram rules, and you let the crazy-girl fly the gorram ship," Jayne snapped as he turned on Mal. The man took a step back out of just sheer surprise, and Jayne felt a bit of satisfaction in that.
"I'll have who I want fly my ship," Mal rebounded almost immediately, and he got right into Jayne's face. Jayne was bigger, but Mal fought dirty. Too dirty for Jayne to take the chance. He could just see Mal layin' him up in the infirmary and then he wouldn't be able to jump ship, leastwise not until after him and the doctor figured out that he'd gone and tainted their pet nutcase.
"Fine, I ain't saying anything against it."
"Seems like you were," Mal pointed out, and Jayne could feel the danger in those words.
"Maybe we should all just calm down," Zoe suggested in a calm voice.
"I'm going to my bunk." Jayne made his announcement and headed for the door.
"We aren't done here," Mal said as he intercepted him before Jayne took more than one step.
"Or not," Zoe said with resignation as she backed up and leaned against the wall. Jayne never had expected backup from her, not against the captain. Mal narrowed his eyes as he considered Jayne, and the tension in the room built as they stared at each other.
"You planning to move?" Jayne finally asked, and for a long minute, Mal didn't even give any sign he'd heard.
"Tell me why you're leaving," Mal finally said, his voice all low and quiet, and that voice made Jayne stop and consider his words.
"Time to move on. Ain't so much about you as about seeing what else is out there," he shrugged.
"Wait," Zoe said from her spot against the wall, her voice full of disbelief. "You stick with us through Reaver attacks and being on the government's most wanted list, and *now* you're just bored?"
"Ain't like there's anything interesting going on, and we run empty about as often as we have any work around here," Jayne complained.
"There's not enough work for you?" Mal demanded, and that was a tone of voice that said Mal wasn't even going to bother pretending to believe him. "That sound reasonable to you, Zoe?"
"No, sir, it doesn't," she agreed.
"Don't owe you an explanation," Jayne finally snarled as he tried to push past Mal. He shouldn't have gotten into this discussion in the first place. Shoulda just forgotten about the money he was owed and jumped ship because he couldn't talk fast enough to keep ahead of them.
"We ain't done," Mal said as he reached out and grabbed Jayne's arm.
Jayne shook him off and gave the captain a good shove as he headed for the door. He wasn't all that surprised when Mal retaliated with a right hook that sent Jayne stumbling back as his fingers came up to his jaw.
"Don't remember signing on as slave crew," Jayne said darkly as he ran his tongue along the inside of his lip. Mal immediately stood up, abandoning his attack posture as quickly as he'd fallen into it.
"Tyen shiao duh." Mal rubbed his hand over his face, and Jayne took the opportunity to slide closer to the doorway.
"Unless you're thinking of trying to put me in chains, I figure I got the right to leave any time we dock. If you don't want to give me my pay, not much I can do about that," Jayne admitted reluctantly. River stood up, her head tilted to one side as she moved closer, and Jayne backed away from her. Mal didn't seem to notice, though.
"It's not about pay. I'll give you your gorram pay, but I ain't heard yet why you're leaving."
"My business," Jayne snapped as he turned and headed out the door. He'd almost made it when he all but collided with Kaylee. Her smile quickly faded as she looked from one person to another.
"Awful lot of unhappy looks in this room," she said softly.
"Well now there's one less," Jayne snapped as he went to go by her. He might have given her a bit of a shove, but that weren't nothing compared to the force of the body that hit him from behind, slamming him into the wall right next to the door.
"Cao!" Jayne snarled as his arm was twisted up behind his back hard enough to force him onto his toes.
"River! That ain't a nice thing to be doing!" Kaylee almost yelped, which was funny seeing as how Jayne was the one face-first into a wall again so it seemed like he should get first complaints about what wasn't nice.
"Apologize," River ordered loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Ain't nothing to apologize for," Jayne insisted. "Captain, you want to do something about the crazy-ass girl who's pulling my arm out?"
"River, let him go," Mal insisted. River tilted her head, and for one shiny second, Jayne thought he was going to get turned loose. Instead, she tightened her grip, and Jayne groaned as he was pushed into the wall even harder. And his chun zi cock was doing things that were going to make it downright embarrassing to walk back to his bunk.
"River!" Mal snapped.
"You didn't have a right to put your hands on Kaylee. You need to apologize," River said, sounding almost sane, but then she wasn't letting him go, so she couldn't be that sane.
"Fine, I'm sorry," Jayne hurried to say. Embarrassing having his ass handed to him three times, and if he didn't end this quick, captain would find out for sure that River had taken to putting him into walls, and from there it was a mighty short throw to finding out where she'd gotten that idea from.
"Just words. Little mice words, but not good enough. You have to apologize," River said with the patience of a mother explaining the whys of the sky being blue to a five-year-old. Jayne might have been offended, only he was more worried about this whole thing getting out of hand.
"River, don't go hurting Jayne," Mal ordered softly. She tilted her head.
"He hasn't offered me his pain," she said, and Mal just blinked like an idiot as he traded looks with Zoe. Well, Jayne wasn't going to be explaining it to them.
"Might be I should get Simon," Kaylee breathed. Mal gave her a sharp nod, and she went scurrying off.
"You wanna get her off me?" Jayne snarled as he struggled a bit. Just like last night, he managed to get himself about five inches from the wall before River slammed him back into it. Only this time, she put a leg between his thighs, forcing him to open his stance. "Mal!" he complained.
"River, maybe we should go see your brother," Zoe tried in a pretty good soothe-the-crazy voice.
River shook her head. "He shouldn't fight with people who can't fight back."
"Can't say I disagree," Mal offered slowly.
"Mal," Jayne snarled.
"But it ain't your place to teach Jayne manners, River," he quickly finished with an apologetic look toward Jayne.
Slowly stroking Jayne's shoulder with her free hand, she ignored Mal, and Jayne could feel a blush start. Hadn't blushed since he was a kid, and he wasn't about to just let her humiliate him in front of the crew. "Get off," he snapped as he started struggling for real this time. He kicked out with a heavy boot and almost caught her knee. She danced back, and it got him enough space to spin free. Following up on his advantage, he punched out, but River just danced away again, spinning and catching Jayne in the small of his back which sent him crashing to the table. Before he could get up, Mal was there between him and River, and then Mal wasn't. River backhanded him out of the way and had her hand around Jayne's neck, flattening him to the table before he could get free. He grabbed her arm, but that supernatural strength wasn't going to be loosed that easy.
"Captain!" Zoe called in alarm, and out of the corner of his eye, Jayne could see her help Mal to his feet.
"I'm gorram fine," he snapped as he stood up. "Reckon she didn't plan to actually hurt me since she just caught me on the arm. More of a shove than anything."
Now River bent over, and Jayne was more than a little aware of his erection, and all she had to do was move two inches to the left, and Mal would have a pretty damn good idea why she'd taken to beating up the menfolk. "Remember what it feels like? To have someone so much stronger shove you?" She stared into his eyes, and Jayne froze as any number of dark memories drifted too close to the surface, closer than he normally let them. She cocked her head, and his cock softened as he realized she would see those memories. Maybe she already had. Gorram mind-reader.
"Please," Jayne forced the clipped word past his lips, "let me up."
"Not everyone fights. Not everyone should. Kaylee doesn't fight, and she won't ever push you back. So you have to be extra careful to never push her," River said slowly, her eyes locked on Jayne's. "Not everyone fights."
Her words brought up the memory of that chou wang ba dan who he'd stolen Vera from. He could almost hear the laughed words: Everyone fights, he'll learn. His mother had stood clutching some britches she'd been stitchin, but even then Jayne knew she wouldn't help. . . she couldn't.
"Not everyone fights," River said firmly.
"What's going on here? River? Come on, let's go back to your quarters and sit down for a bit," the doctor's voice went from confused to concerned in no time flat.
"Apologize," River insisted as she continued to lock gazes with Jayne. Slowly she stepped back and let him struggle up to his feet. He looked around the room. Kaylee stood behind her doctor, clutching her hands. Captain and Zoe just stood looking on in surprise. River still had that head cocked to the side in a way that told Jayne he wasn't getting out of this without apologizing and meaning it.
"I waren't trying to hurt you none," he said to Kaylee.
"I know," she said softly, and now the doctor was looking from Jayne to Kaylee suspiciously.
"What did he do?" he asked Kaylee.
"Weren't nothing. He just gave me a push is all," Kaylee shrugged. "I was in his way."
"Apologize," River warned.
"I'm real sorry about that," Jayne said, and seeing Kaylee trying to stick up for him, he was. Much as he didn't want to admit it, she was the one person on the ship he felt most family-like about. Wouldn't let just anyone get in those play punches she landed on his arm whenever he poked at her like he did.
"Apology accepted," Kaylee said seriously.
"Captain, what's going on?" the doctor asked with more than a little frustration in his voice.
"Seems like Jayne's decided it's time to move on, and River has taken to teaching him manners by beating on him. I can't help but wonder if the two are related seeing as how Jayne wasn't all that surprised." Jayne flinched as he realized that Mal had figured out at least the first half of things. He needed to get out before the other pieces fell in place.
"River's what?" the doctor sounded amused now. Jayne narrowed his eyes and River's hand landed on his arm, her fingers digging into his muscle hard enough to remind him that she wasn't some slip of a girl, no matter what she looked like. "River?" Simon asked as he looked at the hand she'd put on Jayne.
"Would appreciate it if you could get your sister to let me go," Jayne said, trying his best to not explode because he really didn't want to end up against another wall.
"Let Jayne go, now," Simon said, the laughter barely disguised in his voice. Jayne gritted his teeth, and it didn't help when River's hand just tightened on his arm.
"Simon, leave off," Mal ordered. "Wouldn't rightly want your sister after me, either."
Jayne kept his eyes straight ahead, hating that other people were having to stick up for him, but with River having one of her spells, him trying to stick up himself wasn't going to end well.
"Simon," Kaylee softly called, her arm going around his.
"Thinks so loud, all the time," River said, and now she sounded confused. The panic circled around Jayne's guts as he thought of all the gorram things she might say, things that could get him dead because that brother of hers was more than capable of doing some nasty things with all that fancy training about how the human body worked, Jayne had no doubt about that. And he wasn't likely to care that it was his crazy sister who started this. No, him and the captain would both find some way to blame Jayne for having those fantasies of his.
"And as soon as we hit planetside, won't need to hear me no more," Jayne promised. River didn't look particular happy about that, but at least she took her hand back. Slowly, Jayne slid to the side until he could get far enough away to turn toward the door. "I'll just be in my bunk until we dock," he said, not even caring if it was his turn to scrub the static plates. If the captain wanted them scrubbed, he could scrub them himself.
Jayne walked stiffly away from the crew and headed for his quarters, locking the door behind him and hoping that would keep River away if she had another of those spells of hers. Didn't like what her words made him think about, and he really didn't like the idea that she could hear him do his thinking. Made him feel naked. He avoided even looking at Vera because he didn't want to shiny up those thoughts knowing that River was listening in.
Slowly, he sat on the edge of his bunk, his knees gone all soft as he tried his best to not think about that man with his thick curls turning gray and his gorram huge fists. All Jayne could do was clench his hands and wish the ship would move faster toward Tanish 5.
Then again, with River bein' pilot, who the hell knew what she'd take it in her mind to do. Jayne focused his eyes on the ladder and tried counting his own heartbeats as he struggled to push away thoughts and fears that he just wasn't rightly fond of dealing with. Gorram crazy bitch. Jayne glanced up toward his door in near-panic, waiting for her to come through and make him apologize for having that thought. But she didn't. The sound of the engine thrump though the metal girders kept him company as he stared off at nothing and tried to figure out what he was going to do next.
Jayne followed through with his threat and wouldn't even come out for dinner until Serenity slid into dock. Kaylee had taken to bringing him his meals, but now, standing in the dust of one more world and considering walking away, Jayne could feel something that felt entirely too close to fear.
"Sure we can't convince you to stay on?" Mal asked again as they stood on the gangplank. Jayne had his bag at his feet and his pay in his pocket so there wasn't much reason for him to stay, but he stood anyway, watching the crowds wander past. Dust rolled up from under cart wheels, and in the distance, a train whistle announced its arrival at the port. "We could do something about River, put an alarm on your door, maybe," the captain suggested.
Jayne gave him a dirty look. "Don't need no help to take care of myself," he almost growled.
"Not sayin' you do. Mind you, with River, I don't think any of us would stand a chance in guay if she decided to turn her attention to us, me included," he snorted as he scratched a spot on the back of his head. That made Jayne feel a little better, but he still wished Mal hadn't said it. Be easier to leave if he didn't feel like he had any reason to stay.
"Amen," Zoe softly agreed from the bottom of the ramp. She'd already been to the port office, signing the paperwork and posting Serenity's ship board, and the dust from the street clung to her pants. Jayne gave her an appraising look.
"Sure you don't want to give me a private goodbye party?" he asked.
She raised her eyebrow and looked at him. "Jan-doh duh ee-kwai-ro," she sighed. "Why do all menfolk have to think with that thing between their legs, and if you make one more pass at me Jayne Cobb, you won't have anything between your legs." Jayne took it as a sign of affection that she only threatened to castrate him.
"Sir, are we available for a run to Hera?" Zoe asked as tilted her hat farther down to shade her eyes from the rising sun. Serenity sat at the edge of the docks and the barren fields didn't provide any shade.
Mal flinched. "No!"
It occurred to Jayne that he understood why, seeing as how Hera was home to Serenity Valley where Mal and Zoe had lost their war against the Alliance. Funny, he'd never known any of his other captains that well. Zoe just nodded like she'd expected the answer.
"Best be goin'," Jayne said as he picked up the bag that held as many of his things as he could carry, Vera tucked in at the top making a funny lump that poked out from the side of the leather case. Leaving was harder than he'd been planning. A little part of Jayne's brain kept wondering what exactly Mal would do if he offered the man his pain.
Standing in the hot morning sun with his palms sweating, he hesitated. If River'd said a year ago what she done said a week ago, Jayne mighta considered. Course, a year ago, he wouldn't have bothered even listening, and she sure as guay wasn't sane enough to put two sentences together. But the problem was that now he liked Mal. He didn't want to go making the fool of himself, and if he trusted River enough to believe that Mal might be willing to take up his pain, he might as well. . ." Jayne just shut down his mind without finishing that thought. Maybe in a few months he'd be far enough away to polish up that fantasy all shiny and think about that in his bunk. Maybe then he'd think about what might've been if he'd slid to his knees at River's feet, but right now it was just too raw.
Neither Mal nor Zoe said anything as he walked down the plank, his boots thunking heavily against the metal.
"Wait! Hold on!" a voice called. Jayne stopped in the dust at the bottom of the ramp and watched as Kaylee came running all out of breath, grease from her engine streaked across her shirt sleeve. "I'd be real upset if you left without even saying your goodbyes," she said as she slid to a stop in front of him and punched him in the arm.
"Ow," he complained without really meaning it. "Not good at saying them," he admitted as he looked down at her. Holding out her hand, she grabbed his and pressed something to his palm.
"Don't rightly know if it works, but the woman I bought it from said it brings luck."
Jayne opened his palm and found a brightly colored stone strung on a rawhide string. He remembered his brother Matty giving him something similar, a stupid piece of ribbon from an old dress of their ma's. Never did figure out where he'd lost it.
"Are you going to put it on?" Kaylee asked with such a bright-eyed expression that Jayne couldn't rightly say no. Putting his bag in the dirt, he took the bauble and tied it round his neck where the blue stone could show just above the neck of his shirt.
"Thanks," Jayne said awkwardly. She just patted him on the arm. They stared at each other until Jayne shifted uncomfortably. He'd gotten up extra early to slip out without all the big fuss, but now everyone 'cepting River and Simon where out here making things mighty uncomfortable.
"Captain, since River brought us to Shanpei, I was wondering if I could mosey down to Lilac and pick up some parts," Kaylee eventually asked as she turned her eyes to Mal.
Jayne picked up his bag again. Another day he might've offered to go with her and play bodyguard, or more likely, he woulda complained when Mal ordered him to go with her. For a second, Mal's eyes flickered to him, and Jayne turned his back as he studied the port. Shanpei had a lot more options than Tanish 5 would've, so now he just needed to pick the right one. Problem being, he wasn't the best at making good choices.
"I could go with her," Zoe offered.
"No, with Kaylee gone, you're the best for rounding up passengers. I always say the gorram wrong thing," Mal said in a tone of disgust for his own failings.
Zoe just snorted her agreement.
"That's just not true, captain," Kaylee hurried to reassure him. Jayne started walking as fast as he could away from the familiar banter. It'd be too easy to fit into that argument… he knew just what he'd say. With Kaylee trying to stick up for the captain, he'd balance that out by telling all the stories of times when Mal had gone and made all kinds of trouble with his mouth. And eventually Mal would get tired and go storming off, and Kaylee would hit him in the arm and tell him he weren't being nice.
Jayne shook his head to clear the thoughts. He didn't fit in that picture no more. The last week had changed things, and Jayne couldn't just ignore that. If Mal and the doc found out just how much had changed, he'd be looking for his body parts in the storage decks.
He tilted his hat to block out the rising sun as he walked the dusty road and studied the ships. Most were short-hoppers that wouldn't need a shiphand like him, so he headed farther into the port proper.
Walking gave him time to think, and Jayne wondered if River had been right. Lord knows that he wanted to give over his pain. Only done that once, with a girl unsure enough about her own needs that Jayne was fairly sure he could keep things from going ugly. Even then, he'd felt the fear of giving over the control. Weren't many times he'd given up control, and most of them, he'd ended up in the shit. But the girl… that was a real shiny memory. She'd been careless with the whip and left two long scars on his back, just under his right shoulder blade, but Jayne never did regret those scars. He wondered what it'd be like to give over that power to Mal. The man sure as hell wouldn't be making no mistakes and lay him open; he wouldn't bleed unless Mal meant for him to.
Jayne leaned against a ship board and read it with very little real interest as he remembered being trapped in the airlock, Mal's hand on the control that would either kill him or let him live. Jayne'd been happy enough to leave the decision up to Mal, and that had scared him worse than anything ever had, including Reavers. After he left home, he'd sworn he'd never give another man control over his life, but he'd done that with Mal. Hell, even that last fight, he hadn't even really tried to take Mal down. No other man would ever get a free punch at Jayne Cobb, but when Mal had caught him with a nasty right, Jayne had just accepted it.
But Mal hadn't ever taken liberties beyond a captain taking care of the discipline of those on his ship. River had made it a mite bit more personal. Jayne scratched the scar from where her knife had slid into his guts. Knowing she'd done that… part of him had wanted to get as far away as possible.
Another part did wish it'd been River and not Kaylee chasing after him. His cock warmed at the memory of her holding him down and running that fingernail across his face. He could imagine a whip in her hand easy enough, at least if it weren't for Mal and Simon. The gorram doctor would get that amused look on his face, and after Jayne backhanded some manners into the doc, River would probably gut him again. His head definitely wasn't screwed on tight enough, especially since he still couldn't figure what he would have done if River had pulled him back on board. And knowing that she was capable of really hurting him… his chun zi cock gave a good twitch.
"You looking for passage?" a small Asian woman asked. Jayne looked up at her and turned away without answering. He wasn't paying for a ride off this rock. Maybe he would've gotten that desperate on Tanish 5, but at a port this size, someone would see the value of having crew like Jayne on board. And if he couldn't find anything today, he had credits enough to find a place for the night. He thought about buying himself a whore. Normally, he would be lusting the minute he hit planet with credits to burn, but right now, his chun zi cock couldn't care less about some cow-faced chou san ba who would sink to her knees on his orders.
Heading north, he walked the line of ships and studied each board where the captains had posted what they had for sale and what they were lookin' for. With any luck, he could find a ship looking for muscle. He just needed to find some work that would give him something to think about.
Two hours later, Jayne was about ready to go back and see if Serenity was still in dock. Alliance was spreading its fingers farther and farther, and now, with the Reavers on the decline, wasn't much call for a hired gun. Leastwise, there wasn't much call for Jayne's sort of hired gun. Two different ship boards had advertised for people good at investigating planet-side situations, which was a nice way of saying someone who could go in and take care of a nice little assassination or case a place all quiet-like, but Jayne didn't even bother talking to the captains. He was lots of things, but quiet wasn't one.
Dropping his bag next to one more ship board, he cringed at the first column with the ship's offerings. He didn't think much of those that worked on slaver ships, but right now, he was getting desperate. And the ship's ports of call included Jiangyin and Whitefall, which were definitely places where his talent might be appreciated a mite bit more. Course, on Jiangyin he might end up doing farm work, but it wasn't like Jayne didn't know which end of a shovel to use.
Staring at the board, he tried hard not to think about what Kaylee would say if she saw him considering the Henrietta. Jayne stood trying to decide if his reluctance to ask for the captain was his common sense or just some left over bits of Kaylee that had rubbed off.
"Ya looking for work?" A tall, stovepipe-shaped man walked up and leaned against the ship board. He tilted his hat back as he considered Jayne. His arms were wiry with muscle, and the casual way he leaned against the board told Jayne that this was a man with more strength than showed on the surface. The gray eyes were calculating and cautious, just the sort of man Jayne understood.
"Might be," he acknowledged.
"Ever worked a slaver?"
"No."
"Got a problem with a slaver ship?" the man crooked an eyebrow.
The direct question startled Jayne, and his first reaction was to say that he did, but then it wasn't like he had a lot of room to judge, not when he remembered how his own ex-partner had ended up in a little cage for years after Jayne dumped him on his ass mid-job. Life had been simpler then. He hadn't felt those nagging doubts when he'd been that man. The man who double-crossed Stitch Hessian didn't let things like other people's ethics slow him down. Decision made. "As long as I get a fair wage, my theory is every man for himself," Jayne shrugged.
"Pay's good."
"How good?"
"A hundred and twenty credits per run, five percent profits for new-signs."
"Last ship I got more," Jayne commented casually. He ignored a little stab in his guts that hit him hard enough to make him absent-mindedly scratch his stomach.
"Survive your first run without doing something stupid, and we can renegotiate," stovepipeman said seriously. Jayne considered him without answering, still scratching his stomach.
"Quarters?"
"Two to a room."
"Want a private," Jayne immediately answered. The man narrowed his eyes and considered Jayne.
"Private room, fifty credits flat plus five percent."
"Private room, a hundred credits, and my percentage," Jayne countered. For the first time since River had crept into his room, he felt in control—balanced. Hell, maybe for the first time since Mal had caught him trying to sell out the Tams. Standing in that airlock waiting for Mal to kill him, Jayne had somehow lost his balance, and he hadn't never gotten it back, but this was familiar. Stovepipe man pulled out a cigarette and lighted it as he considered Jayne.
"Ya worth it?" he finally asked. Jayne gave a slow smile.
"Every credit. You got a dirty job what needs doing, and I'm the one who'll get it done," Jayne agreed. Stovepipe man pushed his hat back far enough to show the wispy hair around the edges of a spreading bald spot and took a deep drag at his cigarette.
"Jin Bennett," the man said as he stuck out his hand, cigarette hanging from his lips.
"Jayne Cobb," he offered as he shook the man's hand.
"Come on then. I'll give ya a proper introduction to the crew."
Jayne followed his new captain up the ramp into the hull of the Henrietta. Permanent cages set into the sides of the main cargo area still had a few slaves leaning against the bars. Most were men, one was a woman who looked like she could take Zoe in a straight fight, leastwise if she rushed Zoe fast and didn't let the soldier get her fancy moves going. The slave sat on the floor, her hand wrapped around the bars on one side of her cage, and her bare feet braced on the bars on the other side.
Jayne felt a crawling sensation in his guts which he promptly put down to not eatin' anything before leaving the Serenity.
"Crew quarters through here. You can have number 11," Bennett offered as he waved toward a passage.
"Key?" Jayne asked. The captain turned and considered him.
"Ya'll don't need one much around here," he said slowly.
"If one of them slaves gets loose, I don't plan on having my shit touched," Jayne crossed his arms and just waited for a key.
"Yer a suspicious son of a bitch, aren't ya?"
"Reckon I am," Jayne agreed with a shrug.
"I'll have the first mate run ya up a key. But a work-slave's worth more than three years of your wages, so if one of them gets loose, yer job is to catch 'em easy without anyone's shit getting touched and without the slave turning up damaged."
"Fair enough," Jayne agreed. As long as he had his key and his private space, he didn't much care what the other rules were on the ship.
"And the work slaves are off limits. If ya want to get a woman, you get one planetside. I catch you screwing the work slaves, even if they invite you into their cage for a spell, and I'll castrate ya myself. Did it to a randy son of a bitch a few deckhands past."
"If I need getting sexed, I can find me a whore easy enough," Jayne agreed. The captain didn't need to know that Jayne had no interest. Hell, a night in his bunk and his hand was about all he felt up to right now. Gorram River had left him raw, and a whore was the last thing on his mind.
"Ya just might fit in fine," Jin said as he pushed open the door to the main galley. "Found us a replacement for Natie," he said to the crew gathered in the small space.
Four men were playing cards, the deck flashing with holograms of naked women that Jayne could see even from across the room. A woman with a scarred face was tending to her gun and a boy who didn't look old enough to be away from his mother's skirt was on a computer terminal.
"Jayne Cobb, meet the crew of the Henrietta. Crew, this is Jayne Cobb." Jayne nodded as he looked around the room. This is where he belonged, with men who were as rough as he was and wouldn't care none if he was speaking the truth or giving someone a shove. Forget the Serenity and gorram River Tam with her lessons on manners. Jayne Cobb was officially a slaver.